Film Friday: Rogue One (2016)

Rogue One is a flawed, shallow movie with indifferent characters and barely the semblance of a plot. This movie is the See Spot Run of science-fiction. It makes The Force Awakens look like Moby Dick. But it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it a lot while watching it, though I don’t really want to see it again. Ultimately, it doesn’t bode well for future Star Wars movies, however.

The Plot

The story opens with Imperial Weapon Designer Orson Krennic arriving in Scotland with a squad of troops to force genius scientist Galen Erso to come design the Death Star. Erso is played by Le Chiff from Casino Royale. Le Chiff buys time for his daughter Gin, er Jyn, to escape into the hands of Rebel “extremist” Forest Whitaker. Let’s call her GirlPower.

Fifteen years later, Rebel spy Cassian Andor, frees the now grown up GirlPower from prison on the desert moon Jedha when he’s searching for an escaped Imperial pilot who knows something about Le Chiff. Andor has a sarcastic Imperial droid he’s reprogrammed to help him. This is K-2SO, who says whatever he’s thinking and is quite fun, but doesn’t matter to the plot.

As Andor and GirlPower argue with Whitaker, the Empire test fires the Death Star at Jedha and blows up the planet in slow motion. Andor and GirlPower escape with the pilot along with this blind Chinese monk who is a total rip-off of Seraph from The Matrix II. Rebel command gives them the assignment to go “rescue” Le Chiff, which really means Andor is supposed to kill him. Le Chiff gets killed, but not by Andor, but he tells GirlPower where to find the plans to the Death Star first... Jamaica. They decide to attack the beach, against orders. There’s a battle. The story ends and they heavily sell the idea that this is seconds before the opening scene of Star Wars.

Gee, I hope you could follow all those twists and turns.

The Two Sides of This Film

Let’s start with the good. The film is fun the first time through. It is also visually stunning. It is a little dark and smudged at times, but overall it is very pretty when it gets going. The scenes on Scarif, on Jedha and anything Imperial are beautiful. The Rebel base on Yavin was exactly what it should have been. The CGI world of Eadu was kind of crappy Clone Wars-y, but it was forgivable because it was short.

The acting was passable. Though the fact I couldn’t remember anybody’s name was a bad sign. GirlPower was indifferent, but Andor was quite good. Krennic was good and had the only depth. Le Chiff was good, but was underused. It was nice in theory to see some of the Star Wars actors appear again in the combat scenes, but having a brain I knew exactly where they had taken these lines from the Star Wars attack on the Death Star and that felt cheap to me – they claim the lines are unused, but they are only unused in the Lucas butchered versions. The Vader scene lacked punch. The Leah scene was nicely done. The Grand Moff Tarkin stuff got his character wrong.

SarcBot was pretty awesome. He was probably my favorite character. Once again, Alan Tudyk did a phenomenal job of giving the perfect voice to a character; he’s perhaps the greatest voice actor of all time. The character itself was fun too. They did a great job of mixing machine and comic relief and little bits of awesome with him. It’s too bad his role was so small.

I really liked Seraph too, though he was in the wrong film. In fact, Seraph was a problem. Not only was Seraph stolen from The Matrix II, but he didn’t fit in this film’s world. Seraph had powers unseen before in Star Wars which nearly matched those of the Force. The felt wrong in this universe, which has always been presented as a realistic world except for the Force. This felt like a violation of the rules. Still, he was one of the most likeable characters and I liked watching him. Though, when the guy who shouldn’t be in your movie is the highlight, then you’ve done something wrong.

The plot existed. It was enough to make the film work given the special circumstances here, which is that we know the Star Wars world already and we know where this one would end, so it just needed to achieve a couple plot points. It could have used more plot, but it didn't technically need it. Still, it boggles the mind that a movie claimed to be “written by Chris Weitz and Tony Gilroy, from a story by John Knoll and Gary Whitta” could be so underpowered. How do four people write a story and yet manage to come up with less plot than an initial impression? There is no character drama in this film. No character development. There are no twists, no turns, no clever or unexpected moments. The plot is literally a straight line: learn about plans and go get them. There are no subplots, no twists, no growth, no ebb and flow, and no hurdles.

This is what worries me most. Disney is planning to spin Star Wars into a million new films and this is a very bad start. This film has no plot, no depth and no characters you give a crap about. It makes the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise seem like high drama. There was nothing original or innovative or even clever in this film. It was pretty pabulum.

Even the attempts to give it meaning were crap. You had the father-daughter relationship that generated about three lines of pretend motivation and otherwise generated nothing in the way of emotion or interest. If you weren’t paying attention in the first five minutes, I doubt you would even have known that Le Chiff was GirlPower’s father. You had this fake new cliché moment where everyone suddenly whines at Andor for whatever bad things he’s done on behalf of the resistance, only to have him give a passionless speech about how he lives with that everyday. Wahhh. For a guy whose character shows no emotions whatsoever, this was really an out-of-place speech. What’s more, why the other people he’s just saved and who have volunteered to go on this mission would lament the “bad things” he’s done is utter nonsense. This is New Liberalism not being able to grasp that heroes aren’t tortured souls.

If this becomes the formula then we are looking at some crap films ahead. We are looking at straight-line plots with indifferent heroes meant to echo the original Star Wars cast and who feel the need to give character-development speeches right before they blow something up for some reason you don’t care about. Not good.

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Film Friday: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

“This will begin to set things right.”

That was the very first line spoken in the new Star Wars film, and while it ostensibly involved a man handing over a map, there is no way that is not a slap to the face of George Lucas and an acknowledgement of the damage he had done with his last three films. And do you know what? This film backs up that line and more. After watching The Force Awakens, my faith in Star Wars has been restored.

Plot

Uh, no. This story is so full of potential spoilers that I’m not going to give you a plot. I will warn you, however, that some of the things I will talk about may... may be spoilers if you want to go into this one cold, which I recommend.

This Movie Was Fantastic!

So what am I going to talk about? I’m going to tell you what this film did right and why. And let me begin with my apologies to J.J. Abrams. After the total hack job he did to Star Trek, I expected the worst for this film. I expected him to exploit it with little care for the fans or the story. I was wrong. He did an amazing job.

With what did he do an amazing job? Well, first, the effects are fantastic. And I mean this in several ways. First, the effects are clean and utterly believable. More importantly, they fit perfectly along with the first three Star Wars films. Unlike the prequels, the ships, the sets, the costumes, the worlds all fit perfectly with the first three movies. They fit the time period. They respected the existing world. They didn’t feel like CGI at all; they feel substantive. Seriously. These felt like real ships, real worlds and real battles. The lightsaber fights feel real and tense. The explosions look real. The environment in which the characters find themselves is real. And all of this felt like the ones from the first three films.

Indeed, the very feel of the film fit with the first three Star Wars films. Unlike the prequels, the characters here are not cardboard. They come across as real people with real lives who really live on these worlds. They act in ways that are consistent with their own lives too.

Next, this film fit the storyline perfectly. In fact, it fit so perfectly that you could almost have dumped Return of the Jedi and run this instead and not only would it have felt like it fit, but it might even have improved the series.

Abrams was really smart too in terms of knowing what to keep and what to toss out of the prior films. I went in cold, so I didn’t know how much the original characters would be involved in this one. I suspected that Abrams would milk a cameo out of them and then rush off in some new direction. He didn’t. The original characters are vital to this film and the actors play them perfectly as the same people only a couple decades later. That was a smart decision because the story is so tied to several of them. It also avoids the sense that Abrams just wanted a younger cast.

At the same time, the storyline makes perfect sense for that time period. The Empire fell. Its ruins are everywhere in the film. But the universe didn’t become a happy place. Instead, a new threat stepped into the power vacuum and grabbed the failing Empire’s powerbase. All of this not only feels natural, but it gives you the sense of an exciting backstory that permeates the atmosphere of this film. It makes you want to know so much more, and that’s always a winner when your audience feels a strong desire to know more about everything they are seeing.

Abrams was smart about throwing away the deadweight too. There is no emotionally exploitive cameo to remind you of Yoda, there are no Ewoks, there are no flashbacks, there is nothing to remind you of the prequels. In fact, they even undo the stupid story of the stormtroopers being clones, which became the foundation of the prequels. Nor are there any Star Trek babies hitting on each other or any of the other asinine sins Abrams injected into Star Trek.

All of this is fantastic. In fact, up to this point in the review, I have to say that this is easily my third favorite Star Wars and the only thing missing that I felt should be in a Star Wars film but wasn’t was a bigger, more zen-like delving into the force. The force is used in this film, but isn’t the focus yet as it was in the first three films. That said, part of the film promises a deeper exploration of the force in the future. And if you stop to think about the story, you will see the force explained in great detail by two characters, there just aren’t any long talks about it.

All of that makes for a great Star Wars film. This is an excellent Star Wars film that feels indistinguishable from the original series and fits the story perfectly. Who could ask for anything more? But there is more... specifically, this is an excellent film.

I wasn’t expecting that. Even if you ignore all the Star Wars aspects, this was great science fiction. The worlds that were created were real and immersive. The characters were interesting, funny, and engaged in personal growth of a type rarely seen in science fiction. The action was fantastic. It was strong and well-choreographed with great effects. There were no 40 minute CGI fight scenes in this film -- fights were short and punchy. Even more interestingly, the story was gripping. It twisted and turned and moved along at a great pace and I never really knew where it would end up. Do you know how rare that is these days?

In short, J.J. Abrams not only created a great addition to Star Wars, he created a great film. This thing can be truly enjoyed by anyone from lifelong fans to people watching their first Star Wars. It is exciting and gripping and super enjoyable. And when it ended, it made you wish you could tell them to start the next one right. fricken. now! Finally, this film felt like it set everything right. I LOVE Star Wars again, which I hadn't for some time.

I cannot recommend this film highly enough.

Thoughts?
(Please be very careful of spoilers in the comments.)

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Let's Call It A Star Wars Preview... Of Sorts

So I finally saw J.J. Abram's Star Trek: Rot in Darkness and I'm trying to figure out if there is enough profanity in our language to let me describe that movie properly in a review. In the meantime, I realized last night that the same pathetic piece of sh*t who royally f*cked up Star Trek will now get the chance to do... the... exact... same... thing... to... Star Wars. Let's see what Star Trek tells us to expect.

● Jedi Babies: Abrams has Muppet Baby Syndrome. He's a firm believer in replacing competent actors with young hotties. The average age will be 16 and they will all look like the misshapen creatures in fashion magazines.

● F*ck Your History: Abrams derives a sexual pleasure from mocking the history and mythos of the original films.

● Soak The Suckers: Since Abrams hasn't yet figured out how to require in-movie micropurchases, as they do in games now, he will instead find other ways to try to drain your wallet dry to see this film. Frankly, product placements are likely.

● He Will Insult Your Intelligence: I wish I could say that Abrams tries to stay at the level of the lowest common denominator when he makes films, but he doesn't... he stays well below that. His dialog is mind-numbing, his action sequences are patently fake, and his plots make most summer blockbusters look like Shakespeare.

● Unmitigated Gall: Abrams has no shame. He doesn't mind repeating iconic scenes without adding a hint of anything original... or even a competent retelling. Watch for Star Wars to essentially be a meandering remake of the best parts of the first six movies all thrown together with limited connective tissue.

● Leftist Shit: Finally, Abrams has proven to be a far-left jerk off. Look for anti-conservative and anti-American statements throughout.

Frankly, I think I may skip it. I should have skipped his rape of Star Trek. Now my mind hurts from remembering it.

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Star Wars VII by JJ Abrams

“I think that the thing is so big and so massive to so many people that the key to moving forward is honoring but not revering what went before.”

– JJ Abrams about Star Wars

That’s great thinking JJ and I’m sure you’ll honor Star Wars just like you honored Star Trek by pretending none of it happened. Anyway, as most of you know, we at CommentaramaFilms are “connected” and I’ve secretly obtained a copy of JJ Abram’s notes for how he plans to handle the new Star Wars script. I think you’ll all be impressed. I was.

Act I: Start with Rebel ship chasing Star Destroying ship. Think of cool intro shot. Maybe copy shot from Original Star Wars (Note: put in agreements crew must call this ‘an homage’). Add lensflare. Rebel ship fires “time distortion weapon.” Explain that timeline changed and everything is now different.

Introduce Darth Vader (cast 18 year old actor), a young podracer hotshot. He goes by “Vade.” He is getting ready for a race when he runs into middle age (maybe 24 year-old) Ben Kenobi (call him “Ken”) who is a Jedi Master. They do kungfu with lightsabers that actually shoot lasers... lots of lensflare. Ken knocks Vade down and says, “Hey, I’d like to train you. You have a lot of potential.” Vade says, “No way.” Ken tells him, “You’re a reckless young man who drives too fast and will drive off a cliff one day. Come with me to see Moses Eisley. We can give you a future. Be all you can be. Join the empire.” Vade says, “I’ll go to humor you, but I won’t actually sign up.” Ken says, “Cool.” They leave.

Training montage.

Vade and Ken go to the Death Star for Vade’s first assignment. As they approach the Death Star, it explodes!!!! (MEGA LENSFLARE). Vade is instantly put in charge of the Empire because everyone sees in this reckless young a-hole a true leader.

Vade gets drunk and fights some aliens in a bar.

Meanwhile, Ken finds Luke (cast 18 year old actor) who is Vade’s son, but is the same age as Vade – (Note: tell the writers to STFU, there’s no conflict because there was a time distortion... goddamn nerds). Luke’s a reckless farmer who just happens to be a hotshot podracer. Ken tells him he needs to stop Vade and stop the Death Star from being destroyed so he can save his home planet of Earth. Only, this is Ken from the future in an alternate reality – psych! (Note to writers: don’t explain, leave this a mystery.)

Luke flies to Dagobah to meet “Yoda.” Yoda is this hot chick (cast 18 year old actress) who trains Jedi. She’s never seen anyone like Luke and they get naked. Ken finds them and he gets all pissed and they chase each other around Yoda’s bedroom. “You’re not taking this job seriously” and crap like that. Ken tells Luke he can’t command the mission. Luke says he will no matter what Ken says.

Big lensflare fade.

Vade tracks the killer (cast 18 year old actor) who blew up the Death Star to Earth. So Vade intends to skydive onto the Earth and land on top of the killer so he can stop the destruction of Earth. He knows the killer is going to blow up Earth because the killer knows that one day Vade in the old timeline would have ______ Earth and ______. (Note to writer: fill in.) Vade gets there, but it’s too late. So Vade’s second in command is C3-PO (the PO stands for “pissed off” and everyone should call him “PO”) (cast 18 year old actor with lots of tats). He’s a combat droid who looks human and decides to strand Vade on Earth because he’s reckless. But Vade outsmarts him and sneaks onboard as PO and this like hairy dude who farts all the time (R2-D2) (cast 18 year old actor) who is PO’s assistant helps Vade get to the bridge. Then Vade tells PO “count to infinity droid and beyond” and that freezes PO’s processor.

Luke and Yoda suddenly show up with these two chicks – Hana Solo. She’s fat and funny as crap (cast 18 year old actress). She should be a brainiac too, but like bumbling if you know what I mean. Oh, and she’s lesbian (Note: More demographics can we get some blacks in this thing???? Maybe make Vade black? ... it works, alternate timeline). Also Lee Princess (cast 18 year old actress)is with them. She’s this hot black chick who strips to her underwear in every scene and has a thing for Luke and Vade.

Luke and Vade fight with their lightsabers. They’re basically moving around this big room full of boxes shooting their lightsabers at each other. Lots of lensflare. Meanwhile Luke’s ship is blowing up all around him and the others are dodging and screaming and saying, “Give us a command sir!” Do a flashback of how Ken told Luke to “fight the force” when he got in trouble. Luke looks at Vade and says something snappy like, “It’s over, Vade,” and shoots Vade with his lightsaber pistol sword.

Everyone thinks Vade is dead, but he isn’t. His dying words are “Luke, I’m your father.” And Luke gets all choked up. As he tells this to the others, Vade escapes. They see his body is gone and the fat chick (make her Scottish) says something really funny. Then Luke and Yoda go at it. (Note: Yoda needs to get naked to punch up the movie.)

Lensflares. Big ceremony. Luke is appointed emperor for beating Vade, but Vade’s not dead. This is when the two Ken’s meet. They’re like, “Hey, you’re me.” And the other is like, “Yeah, wasn’t that awesome what just happened with Luke and Vade? You’re an awesome f**king person and any stories you’re in in the future are going to seriously f**ing rock!” And the first one is like, “Yeah, if we were like in a movie, I would plan to see them all and then buy them on BluRay. (Audience will dig self-aware humor). I would also visit the website to buy the merchandise.” (Note to writers: Don’t give the website name in the dialog, cause that’s not cool, but stick the name everywhere like on some boxes or something where people can read it throughout the movie.)

Act II: Introduce trailer for The Empire In Darkness, story about cloud city full of ice creatures, space worm, asteroid chase scene, Vade betrayed by Hana Solo as he confesses love to Lee Princess who digs this Asian guy Bo Bo Fat. (NOTE: Get crew to sign agreements to claim this has no so similarities to Empire Strikes Back).

Start filming. Details to be worked out as we go.


Yep, don't feel suicidal at all... feel homicidal though. Thoughts?

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 13

Just as a broken clock is right twice a day, there are probably a couple good things about Phantom Menace.

Question: "Say three good things about The Phantom Menace."

Scott's Answer: 1. The music - yeah, this is my standard cop out answer but John Williams' "Duel of the Fates" will be remembered alongside "The Imperial March" for years to come. And the rest of the music isn't bad either!

2. Some of the ADULT acting - yes, I know Jake Lloyd can be annoying (though he was just a kid!) but Liam Neeson brings so much authenticity and dignity to every role he plays that the movie is elevated, if only slightly, by virtue of his presence. Ewan McGregor isn't given tons to do in this one but he's always fun to watch. I must also mention some of the voice actors, most notably the great Brian "Gordon's alive?!" Blessed as Boss Nass, that green bulbous creature who resides underwater. Not a particularly well-written character but Blessed gives it his all and is fond of quoting from the film in his various TV appearances.

3. The design - between the prequel trilogy's less than sterling reputation and Lucas' (over-)reliance on digital effects, two aspects of these films seem to get buried in the mix and that is the art direction and costume design. Production designer Gavin Bocquet, costume designer Trisha Biggar, and their respective teams made these movies look great!


Andrew's Answer: 1. Liam Neeson is awesome as a Jedi. He brings the right amount of calm and kick ass all at the same time. He strikes me exactly as what I was expecting the Jedi would be when I first heard of them as the Guardians of the Old Republic. Too bad he’s the only one.

2. I like the design of the ships actually (except the silver one). They don’t really mesh all that well with the Star Wars universe, but I think the designs are pretty cool.

3. I like the fight scene with Darth Maul at the end. It’s well done. It has high points and moments of frustration, interesting pauses and a neat result... and no kid to ruin it.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 12

Everybody has an off day, but that can’t explain these moments.

Question: "What was the series’ worst out-of-character moment?"

Andrew's Answer: Pretty much every single character in the prequels is out of character. Anakin=Vader? My butt. Samuel L.=a Jedi? Uh, no. The rest are just as bad. But I am going to say that the most out of character moment is when Obi-Wan Kenobi suddenly tells Luke in Empire that truth is only true from a certain perspective. . . WTF? Where does this come from? Vader must have hurt him more than we realized at the end of Star Wars.

Scott's Answer: This is actually a tough one but the one answer that occurs to me is Han Solo in Return of the Jedi. It's not even that he's "out of character" - he just seems out of it some of the time. This is most likely due to the fact that he has no subplot or arc of his own and Harrison Ford wanted to kill off the character... but Lucas vetoed that idea.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 11

The tour guide says the Star Wars universe is crawling with cool and fascinating places you can visit, from the inside of space worms to the inside of the Sarlak.

Question: "What is the coolest planet/city in the series?"

Scott's Answer: I love a big city so I will go with Coruscant. I only wish we had been able to explore more of it in the films. There are no doubt many different parts - some good, some bad - not to mention public transit, recreational areas, and various other amenities you'd expect to find in a bustling metropolis. Incidentally, there's no media presence. (Tor.com did a story on this, asking if the characters in the films ever read!)

Andrew's Answer: There is only one right answer to this question. . . sorry Scott: BESPIN. Yeah, Bespin rocks. Bespin was just amazing. It was beautiful and felt so real and I cannot imagine how amazing it would be to live among the clouds. :)

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 10

They were the Guardians of the Old Republic until a young Jedi named Walter hunted them all down and sent them into early retirement with extreme prejudice.

Question: "Who was your favorite Jedi other than Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan?"

Andrew's Answer: Struggling... struggling... struggling. You know, I liked old Yoda, but I really don’t like CGI Yoda. And the only other one you really got to know was Samuel L. Jackson. Think about that, three films about the Old Republic and you never really get to know any of the Jedi? Could this be part of the problem with the films? Anyway, I’m going with Old Yoda. Help me Liam Neeson, you're our only hope.

Scott's Answer: I'll just go ahead and say Mace Windu because, while I know a few names, I'm not really familiar with any of the other Jedi characters. Samuel L. Jackson is a great actor but one wonders what kind of performance he might've given if he had a different director. Honorable mention goes to Aayla Secura, mainly because she's hot. [smile] (She wasn't even played by an actress; Amy Allen was a production assistant at ILM who was in the right place at the right time!)

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 9

So they filmed number four first.... but it’s probably the best. Or maybe five is number one? Confusing. One thing is for sure, number two is a whole bunch of number two.

Question: "Rank the movies from best to worst."

Scott's Answer:

The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars
Return of the Jedi/Revenge of the Sith (tie)
The Phantom Menace
Attack of the Clones

We'll discuss it more in the comments but Jedi and Sith both have some good stuff in them and some tedious stuff as well. The Phantom Menace has Liam Neeson (who brings authenticity to everything he does - even this) and, in retrospect, there's a certain amount of nostalgia that I have for it, what with it having been the first new SW film in many years and all the marketing hype. For better or worse, it was an Event with a capital "E." Attack of the Clones, on the other hand, is weight down by the poorly-written love story and a finale which is all over the place. "Begun, the Clone Wars have." Really, Yoda? Are wars always named in the first five minutes of fighting? [smile]

Andrew's Answer:

Star Wars
The Empire Strikes Back
The Phantom Menace
Return of the Jedi
Revenge of the Sith
Attack of the Clones

I love Empire, but Star Wars holds a special place in my heart. Jedi, honestly left me cold. Clowns sucked. I have to admit that despite its massive flaws, I want to like Phantom Menace. I love Neeson and the feel of the first half of the film, even if the plot sucked Bantha doodoo.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 8

Rumors of the prequels being an ironic joke are greatly exaggerated, but that doesn’t mean the Star Wars saga didn’t have its funny moments.

Question: "What was the funniest moment in the series?"

Andrew's Answer: Han Solo definitely had the best lines, though interestingly, he’s not really comic relief. In fact, I can't think of anyone else who said anything funny. One of Han's best comments was: “Who's scruffy lookin’?” I love this line because he's clearly focusing on the least offensive thing Leia said and he really seems offended by it... this was just one of those hilarious moments.

Scott's Answer: It's interesting... there are funny lines we all love to quote but no inherently funny scenes or situations, except one: Han Solo's "...we're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?" scene from the first film. I'm pretty sure it was mainly improvised by Harrison Ford on the set and it's hilarious.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 7

This week, we go back to Star Wars. Science fiction often becomes reality because if you can dream it, you can make it. . . like a dragon made of chocolate fondu who shoots laserbeams out his butt. Star Wars is packed with things science should be turning out for consumers.

Question: "What one technological advance would you like to see for real?"

Andrew's Answer: Lightsabers would be totally cool, but they would probably go the way of the lawn dart after hillbillies started poking each others' eyes out. :( So I'm going with something more practical. . . hyperdrive. Who the heck wouldn't want to be able to move across the galaxy in a matter of hours rather than eons?

Scott's Answer: I don't know how practical lightsabers would be in the real world - they seem a bit dangerous! - but when it comes to less fanciful things, it'd be cool to finally have holographic displays. Every now and then, I'll read about some breakthrough but an actual consumer-friendly and affordable holographic device for the home has yet to materialize.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 6

The Millennium Falcon is the definition of a “cool ride.” But not everyone can win one in a card game. So maybe you should look at getting something else the next time you’re in the market for a spaceship.

Question: "Other than the Millennium Falcon, what is the coolest ship in the series?"

Scott's Answer: I suppose X-wing is a cop-out answer so I will say the star destroyers (another cop-out answer!). In terms of physics, their shape serves no real purpose but, in terms of design, they're great. The first shot of the first film tells you everything you need to know about what's going on and the overall shape and dimensions of the star destroyer play a part in that.

Andrew's Answer: For comfort and ride, nothing beats a star destroyer, but man, I love the tie fighters. The way they scream through space, proving that in space, people can hear you scream! They are just all kinds of awesome, especially Vader's model with the bent wings. What a fantastic spaceship!

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 5

Mark Hamin? Carrie Frisher? Harry Ford? Who are these people? Get me some real actors.

Question: "Recast Luke, Leia and Han Solo."

Scott's Answer: Assuming we're casting the film in the 70s and not today... For Han Solo, I will go with an actor who actually auditioned for the part: Kurt Russell. He's certainly got the lovable rogue act down pretty good! For Princess Leia, either Jodie Foster or Debra Winger. For Luke Skywalker, I actually struggled with this one but I will suggest Bruce Boxleitner.

Andrew's Answer: Unlike Scott, I'm not casting in the 1970s. For Luke, I'm going with one of my favorite actors, Colin Farrel. For Leia, I'm going with Katherine Heigl. And for Han Solo, I'm going with Hugh Jackman. My bonus pick is Geoffrey Rush as Obi Wan.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 4

Sometimes, even perfection can be improved. . . think about it.

Question: "Name one thing you would change about each of the original Star Wars films if you could."

Scott's Answer: I've actually never given this much thought. The first two films, for better or worse, are near-perfect as it is. I suppose I'd go back and account for certain things that Lucas changed along the way. Leia kissing Luke in Empire, for instance - I assume this was done before they came up with the idea of them being related. (I don't wish to open this can of worms but there are various accounts as to who came up with what and when.) For Jedi, I'd go back to their original concept and change the Ewoks to Wookies. I'm sure I'll think of more in the comments below. [smile]

Andrew's Answer: This is a toughie! Who came up with this question! Star Wars and Empire are essentially perfect. But I am always up for a challenge, so. . . for Star Wars, I would add more of Ben training Luke. I think that's the philosophical core of the film and another five minutes of "feel it flow through you" would have been great and would have explained more how Luke was able to harness the Force so suddenly. For Empire, more cowbell! Just kidding, I would remove Ben Kenobi actually. I don't think he adds much and he ends up detracting from the myth of the Jedi with his talk about something being true "from a certain perspective." And for Jedi, I'd actually break the film into two. Right now you have this story of the rescue of Han Solo followed by a totally separate story about the destruction of the Son of Death Star. I would make those into separate movies and give them the time they deserve.

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 3

Every movie extra dreams about stealing the show. They want to get noticed and get their own show! Aliens are no different.

Question: "What minor character most captured your imagination and made you want to see their story spun off?"

Andrew's Answer: I would have picked Boba Fett, except Lucas ruined him. Lando Calrissian would have been cool too. But I’m going a different direction. I want to see Captain Needa. I’d love to see things from the Empire’s perspective, and Needa is trapped in that rough spot between an impossible job and a difficult boss.

Scott's Answer: If Lucas hadn't used the characters in the prequels, I would've said Boba Fett. So instead I will say Admiral "It's a Trap!" Ackbar. Now that I think of it, it's too bad the prequels didn't include a young Ensign Ackbar on one of the hero ships! He just shows up in Return of the Jedi - no fanfare, no mention of him in the previous two films... he's just there, commanding a fleet of ships against a technologically-advanced and determined enemy. Who wouldn't want to see HBO's Band of Squid Aliens with Ackbar and the rest of his company? [smile]

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A Fateful Moment In Star Wars

Since we're doing Questionable Star Wars these days, I decided to revive this article.

Today, I want to talk about one little scene at the beginning of Star Wars. It’s not a scene most people remember, and the two characters involved don’t even have names. But it presents us with an amazing “what if” scenario.

As I'm sure you know, the movie opens with an Imperial Star Destroyer attacking a rebel ship, supposedly a diplomatic shuttle from Alderaan. On board this ship is Princess Leia with stolen plans for the Imperial Death Star. On board the Star Destroyer is Darth Vader. After stopping the rebel ship, Imperial Stormtroopers board the rebel ship and capture the crew. During these events, Leia puts the plans to the Death Star into R2D2, and he and C-3PO head for an escape pod. Our scene takes place right after they launch the pod.

As the pod leaves the rebel ship and heads toward Tatooine, an unnamed Imperial trooper notices the escape pod and asks his commander if he should destroy the pod. The commander, in a decision that will bring down the Empire, decides that they don't need to bother because they scan no life signs in the pod.

If those two bozos had destroyed the pod, R2D2 would have been destroyed along with the plans that eventually allow the rebels to destroy the Death Star. Even more significantly, had R2D2 not reached the surface, there would have been no reason for Stormtroopers to kill Luke’s family, giving Luke no reason to leave Tatooine or to fight the Empire. Moreover, there would have been no reason for Ben Kenobi to begin training Luke -- seeing as how he never bothered to contact Luke until he tried to take R2D2 to Anchorhead to have his memory erased.

Thus, by not destroying the pod, these two unnamed troopers allow to be set into motion a series of events that will eventually bring down the entire Galactic Empire.

What’s even more interesting is that if Vader had not pursued Leia in the first place, there also would have been no reason for them to go to Tatooine and to bring Luke into the story. And since Luke is the one guy in the universe who can destroy the Death Star and ultimately bring down the Empire, Vader essentially sets into place the chain of events he's trying to prevent.

Cool huh?

Lots of movies have little moments like this that often go unnoticed, moments where some minor action on the part of an insignificant character either causes a series of events or fails to prevent a series of events that have galactic importance to the story, or moments where a character’s actions bring on the very events they are trying to stop.

I think it’s a clever bit of writing that inserts these sorts of moments into films because it adds a sense of irony and raises questions of fate. How would things have gone if these two troopers had fired? What if Vader hadn’t decided to chase Leia? What if these weren't the robots you are looking for? I think these are interesting questions for us because we are very good at seeing our mistakes in hindsight, but we're very bad at seeing the future consequences of our actions. Seeing this in film is a way to live vicariously. . . to wonder if we shouldn't have shot down a few more pods in our lifetime, or if maybe we aren’t causing our own problems?

Thoughts?

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 2

You know what Vader needed? A catch phrase... "I'm going to get all Forcey on your ass!" Yep, that would have made the whole six-ilogy more interesting. Don't you agree? No?! I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Question: "What was the best/worst line of dialog in the Star Wars series?"

Andrew's Answer: Wow! There are so many good lines! But for the original series, I'm going with the one that I think captures the spirit of the original films (which gets lost when it turns out the Force is nothing more than Type III Diabetes): "The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together." Awesome! You can hear the music too, can't you?

Try as I might, I just can't think of a good and memorable quote from the newer films, but I can certainly come up with about 150 worst quotes. But let's be honest, the worst of the worst by far is pretty much every... single... syllable... spoken by Jar-Jar Binks, like "Ye gods, whatta meesa sayin'?" Don't know, don't care, Mr. Binks. Actually, now that I think about it, the best quote from the crap films was when "Kungfoo Fighting" breaks out as soon as cartoon Yoda whips out his lightsaber and attacks Count Dookey.

Scott's Answer: For the original trilogy, I honestly can't think of a bad line. However, if we can count subsequent revisions, then Vader's "NOOO!" that Lucas added to the end of Return of the Jedi certainly fits the bill. For best line, there are so many to choose from but I think I'll stick with a classic: "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."

And now the prequels. Best line? I'd say most of Liam Neeson's dialogue in The Phantom Menace. Why? Because it's Liam Neeson and he can sell anything. Worst line is (too) easy: 98% of Hayden Christensen's dialogue in the subsequent two films. I hate to jump on that bandwagon but it's all there on the screen. His lovey-dovey dialogue with Natalie Portman... "You are in my very soul..." and "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth." Yikes!!

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Questionable Star Wars vol. 1

Let's shift gears and talk about Star Wars! Like Trek, Star Wars changed the world. It became a pillar of our culture, as influential as that Shakespeane dude or Max Twain. It also dominated so many of our childhoods. And in light of that. . .

Question: "What was the best moment in all of the Star Wars films?"

Scott's Answer: The best moment for me is the asteroid chase in The Empire Strikes Back. It's a perfectly-executed self-contained sequence in a film that already has a lot going for it. It's a wonderful melding of sound design, music, editing, witty dialogue, and amazing visuals courtesy of ILM. And this was pre-CGI - each asteroid had to be constructed and photographed separately. Also, a few years ago I was able to see "The Asteroid Chase" music performed live by an orchestra... simply amazing.

Andrew's Answer: I'm going to the same place, but a different direction than Scott. The best moment in all the films is indeed in the asteroid field, but it's after the chase, when they are fixing the Falcon and Han and Leia have their big scene together... right until C-3PO interrupts them. What a great moment which gives the films real heart, and it pays off so incredibly well about an hour later with, "I love you"... "I know." :)

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Do Fans Have Rights In Films?

Who really owns a film? The legal rights are clear: the producer of the film owns the legal rights and can do anything they want with it. They can show it, sell it, change it, colorize it, or even destroy it. . . legally. But do the fans have rights in it too?

This issue has come to the forefront because of the Star Wars saga. Star Wars is an iconic film (three actually) and really changed the world in many ways -- but suffice it for our purposes to say that millions of people fell in love with Star Wars and it has great cultural influence. So George Lucas should be congratulated and heartily thanked.

But in 1997, George did an evil thing. He released revised versions of these films which were an atrocity. I won’t go into all the details here or the fact I think Lucas did this with the intent of upsetting fans. What matters is that he ruined the original films. But who cares? He can make as many versions as he wants and we can ignore all those versions and stick with the originals, right? Actually no. At the same time Lucas released his new versions, he declared that he would never let the originals be seen again. And to this day, he has done his best to make that happen.

So does he have the right to do this? I’m a firm believer in property rights, but I don’t think he does. Here’s why.

Lucas created an iconic film. This is as much a part of the history of film and a pillar of our culture as Casablanca or Citizen Kane. To allow him to suppress the original version, the version that became iconic, to keep it from being seen and to replace it with his idiotic, ADD-riddled second version would destroy that part of film history and make that part of our culture inaccessible. It would be like letting someone purchase all the rights to the Mona Lisa, and then declaring that the image could only be used if Mona was first given a clown nose. We would never let that happen to a cultural treasure like the Mona Lisa, so why should we let it happen to an equally influential film?

Even our copyright law acknowledges the public's interest because it allows creators to claim the rights for only so long before they enter the public domain. Though, thanks to our idiot Congress, we no longer can rely on copyright law to help us in this. Copyrights were originally 14 years. This was expanded to 28 years in 1790. Then it became 56 years. Today, they run for the life of the creator plus 70 years (for anything created after 1978). Does that seem right? It doesn't to me. That means a thirty year old filmmaker who lives to be 100 could effective tie up their film for 140 years. . . until 2151 if they produced the film today.

I certainly respect the filmmaker's right to benefit from and control their own creation. And that typically includes the right to use or not use the property as the owner sees fit. But I also abhor waste. And I see it as wasteful to let someone suppress art.

I tend to see art as something different from regular property as it is societal in nature, i.e. it derives its value from being observed by society. When an artist offers that to the public it becomes part of the culture and I think they should not be allowed to take it away again. I'm not saying we shouldn't let them exploit it and profit from it, but I do have a problem with them simply refusing to release it just as I would have problems with a drug company refusing to release a vaccine. It is bad for society to let ideas be suppressed.

But this raises some obvious questions. For example, what becomes a cultural icon and what doesn’t? Or should we skip that question and just disallow the suppression of any film or any book by its owner? And if we don’t allow such suppression, what obligations would we place on the owner to make it accessible to the public? If George Lucas refuses to put it on BluRay, can we force him to do that? Can we say that others have that right if he won’t?

That's actually what I would suggest. It really doesn’t give me any heartburn to shorten copyrights again to a reasonable period, like 40 years, and require that those copyrights be used or sacrificed, i.e. use it or lose it. That way, George would be free to use the films as he saw fit, with the one exception that if he tried to bury the originals, then someone else could come along and release them.

Thoughts?

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