Bond-arama: No. 0023 Die Another Day (2002)

We begin our countdown at the bottom... the very bottom. Die Another Day is a repeat of Diamonds Are Forever and it jumps so many sharks they should have called this film James Bond: Shark Jumper. It’s just awful and that’s why it sits at the bottom of our list at No. 0023 of 0023.

Plot Quality: The plot to this one is simple. A villain gets gene therapy to turn himself from a Korean into a British person because he has daddy issues. Said villain buys “conflict diamonds.” Boo hoo. He uses those diamonds to create a satellite which somehow converts sunlight into energy to be used on Earth. He and Bond fence. Bond escapes an ice palace in his invisible car. This now Caucasian villain orders the North Korea military to invade South Korea. The satellite turns out to be a weapon that puts the Death Star to shame, but can’t blow up a plane it hits with a direct shot. The film ends. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? (if you’re an idiot)

Where to begin? James Bond does not get captured and held prisoner for 14 months only to be retrieved in a prisoner exchange. And what prisoner exchange? Why would North Korea spy on Britain? Why would anyone? Koreans cannot turn themselves British/Caucasian with gene therapy. And even if they could, no one goes to Cuba for gene therapy. An ice palace? An invisible car? John Cleese as Q? WTF? Let me repeat. . . an invisible f*cking car designed by Monty Python. Also, James Bond does not surf. North Korea is not an imposing military power that deserves to be on film. Someone who turned himself into a honkey cannot start giving orders to the North Korean military after killing his father the general. A satellite sending out a flame-like beam that could consume miles of the Earth at a time is beyond ridiculous. That such a weapon could hit an airplane and not cause it to disintegrate immediately is ridiculous. That you can sword fight on a transport plane for twenty minutes as it burns to pieces all around you is ridiculous. You cannot drop a helicopter out the back of a transport plane and start it in mid-free fall.

And that’s just for starters.

This film was a joke. It was ridiculous. It was clearly an attempt to piggyback on the success of XXX and to dumb that film down, and everyone associated with this film should be ashamed. . . and shot.

Bond Quality: This was Brosnan’s final film and I don’t think that was a coincidence. The film made a ton of money, but after turning Bond into a cartoon, Brosnan had no credibility to move back to a more serious Bond. Thus, they needed to start over. Hence the reboot of Casino Royale.

Even setting aside the ridiculousness of the film, this was a difficult Bond to like. He was angry and depressed throughout. He’d lost the suaveness, the inner calm and the sense of humor he had finally developed in Tomorrow Never Dies. Indeed, Brosnan is so indifferently angry in this one that he comes across like a man making the film under protest.

The Bond Girl(s): As usual, there were two Bond girls. The main Bond girl is Halle Berry, who plays NSA agent Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson. She’s investigating a North Korean terrorist with links to Gustav Graves, the villain. Beyond that, it’s not really clear why she’s in this film except to have sex with Bond. She is attractive and has decent chemistry with Bond, but she’s ultimately just a forgettable extra.

The other Bond girl is Miranda Frost, played by Rosamund Pike. She’s an undercover MI6 agent who also happens to be a traitor. She has infiltrated Graves’ organization and works as his assistant, but in reality she’s working for Graves. She doesn’t move the plot either and, like Jinx, she lacks motivation and pretty much could have been deleted from the film.

Villain Quality: Imagine your daddy is a general in the most repressive, backwards insane dictatorship in the world. Imagine you are a colonel in his army. Imagine you are trading “conflict diamonds” for weaponry. But daddy doesn’t understand you. He doesn’t like that you’re a nutjob. What do you do? What do you do?

Apparently, you move to Britain, turn yourself into a honkey using gene therapy, and become a billionaire industrialist named Gustav Graves. You build an ice palace and invent a death ray that can destroy the planet in mile-wide increments of walls of fire. Why do you do this? So you can wipe out American landmines so the North Korean military can invade South Korean. And while you do this, you somehow take control over the North Korean military without daddy the top General finding out and with no one questioning why the British honkey is issuing orders.

Did an idiot write this?

Really, the only good thing about this villain is a fencing scene between Graves and Bond, which is pretty well done. But that’s also before we realize just how retarded a villain this guy is.

Beyond that, there is literally nothing I can praise. His backstory is impossible. His satellite is impossible. Turning himself white is impossible. His controlling the North Korean military is impossible. His plan is impossible. Indeed, his plan is retarded. If they want to clear the area of mines, just drive a bunch of peasants across the area or shell it. And if you have such an amazing deathray, hold the world hostage like Blofeld did in Diamonds Are Forever. Destroy some mines? Give me a break.

Even the choice of making him North Korean is suspect. North Korea and Britain have no connection whatsoever. So using North Korea is difficult to begin with. Secondly, North Korea is not intimidating to the world. They are a forgotten menace, a third rate joke at best. Third, this film crawls with a politicized agenda – opposition to landmines, conflict diamonds, green energy and making Cuban medicine look advanced? Really? The Bonds films have historically avoided politics entirely, so throwing this in is downright offensive.

Conclusion

This film is a disgrace to the series. That’s why it’s No. 0023 of 0023, and it’s a distant No. 0023 at that.