Guest Review: This Means War (2012)

A Film Review by Tennessee Jed

February is, among other things, the month we celebrate Valentine’s Day, and it occurred to me that Romantic Comedies rarely get much mention around here. Often referred to as rom coms, date movies, and chick flicks (though the latter two likely encompass a slightly larger category), the last one I can remember seeing was a vehicle for one of the current leading practitioners of the genre, Reese Witherspoon, as well as the up and coming young star Chris Pine. The film was received poorly by the critics, but scored somewhat higher with audiences. I won’t pretend its good, but am closer to the audience reaction than the critics. Let’s review some of the strengths and weaknesses of this production, and consider what characteristics most likely impact whether a romantic comedy hits or misses.

** spoiler alert **

Plot Synopsis - In the opening sequence, we find two CIA operatives, “FDR” Foster, (Pine) and “Tuck” Hansen (Tom Hardy), on assignment high atop a skyscraper in Hong Kong. Their mission is to stop the sale of a “MacGuffin” like secret weapon to the North Koreans, apprehend the seller, international arms dealer Karl Heinrich (Til Schweiger) and obtain the “weapon.” The parameter of the mission requires it remain strictly covert. The sale is broken up, the money scattered to the winds, and the “weapon” falls off the roof of the skyscraper (never to be mentioned again.) Heinrich’s younger brother is killed, but Heinrich himself escapes and vows vengeance against FDR and Tuck who are placed on “inside” status as a result.

Back in L.A. we are introduced to Lauren Scott (Witherspoon) who is chief product tester at Smart Consumer, Inc. a fictional “Consumer Reports” type company. While out walking, she runs into her ex-boyfriend who induced her to move from Atlanta. He introduces her to his new fiancee, so Lauren pretends she is meeting her (fictitious) new guy for dinner. When they later stumble across Lauren dining alone at a sushi bar, she is humiliated. Lauren’s best friend (Chelsea Handler) decides to sign her up with an on-line dating service (it’sfate.net) without her knowledge.

It turns out FDR is quite the ladies man around town, while Tuck is separated from his wife (Abigail Spencer) and seven year old son. Tuck is never home, and his “cover” is that he is a travel agent who actually travels all the time. The double “meet cute” goes down like this. Tuck happens to sign up for the same dating service and gets paired up with Lauren. F.D.R. insists he hang out nearby for their first meeting at a sidewalk cafe, so he can “coach” Tuck. Lauren and Tuck hit it off exceedingly well, and he promises to call her for a date. Lauren happens to stop by a video store around the corner, from where FDR was stationed to “help” if needed. FDR hits on Lauren who quickly sizes him up as a horn dog, and blows him off, but he uses CIA resources to find out who she is. He attends her focus group product testing the next day, and bullies her into a date for that night. Soon after the date begins, Lauren leaves, but again runs into her “ex” and his fiancee, and begs FDR to pretend to be her boy friend. He agrees, but demands an explanation, then takes her for pizza, where she begins to see him in a different light. Tuck and FDR quickly learn they are interested in the same lady, and the “war” begins.

They agree they will “compete” for Lauren and set up ground rules that they will not let her know they are best friends, will not spy nor interfere with each other, and that neither will sleep with her unless and until and she chooses one over the other. Naturally, the competition escalates, and their friendship is strained to the breaking point. Lauren, of course, really cares for both of them, and much of the remainder of the movie is devoted to determining which one she will choose, and includes both of their numerous and humorous attempts to screw up each other’s overtures to Lauren using the best technology the CIA has to offer. Lurking in the background, naturally, is the villainous Heinrich who quickly tracks down the two agents who killed his brother, and is ready for payback.

So What Does or Doesn’t Work?

The story takes a fairly traditional rom com storyline, and pairs it with an action/adventure super spy genre for, hopefully, a fresh approach. The two operatives are clearly more from the Ethan Hunt Mission Impossible School of super agents. Both the opening and closing sequences are complete with slow motion floor slides with automatic pistols blazing or back flips while tossing a spare clip to one’s partner. This is a big budget production, so the effects are just what one might expect. The question is, whether we have seen so much of this kind of scene, it no longer seems particularly special. This all leads to characters and premises to which calling them unrealistic would be an understatement. On the other hand, if one realizes it is a rom com parodying action/adventure, it doesn’t seem quite so lame. Plausibility is not always mandatory in this genre.

The second issue is quality of jokes and laugh-lines. To be honest, I am somewhat split on that issue when it comes to this film. Many of the lines (Reese stating she doesn’t want to end up as some mad man’s “skin suit” or FDR’s denigrating women who sign-up for on-line dating by stating “half of them pee standing up”) are just dreadful. This kind of dialogue is sophomoric to be charitable, and makes me wonder how these particular screen writers sleep at night. At the same time, many of the devices used by FDR and Tuck to mess up the other guy’s dates are genuinely hilarious. In particular, there is a scene where FDR kidnaps a group of actors hired by Tuck to portray his family, and replaces them with his own set of impostors that truly is laugh out loud funny.

The third, and possibly most critical, aspect of a successful rom com is CHEMISTRY between the principles! Bogart or Tracy and Hepburn; Doris Day and Rock Hudson; Julia Roberts and Richard Gere; Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan all had that certain something that made audiences root for the couple to overcome the obstacles and get together (or back together.) Sadly, the chemistry between Witherspoon and Pine is nothing special. But, this is a threesome, and part of the set-up is to keep the viewer guessing which one Lauren will choose. Maybe, just maybe, the actors did a better job than we initially realize given that particular aspect of the script. I will also admit to being a long time fan of Reese Witherspoon. As such I’ve seen most of her films, many of which don’t match up to her skill. I’ve enjoyed watching how she works with lesser material, and believe she almost always makes the most of any acting situation, even one that is less than great. There is ample opportunity to see that at play here.

The Verdict - Everyone, at times, sees a romantic comedy. It is generally a lighthearted affair, meant to be fun, and not at all taken too seriously. This is not anywhere near the best of the genre, but is enough good to proudly proclaim “it doesn’t suck as much as Roger Ebert claims!" If you miss this, rest assured you can still sleep soundly knowing so. But if you are a rom com fan, or a Reese Witherspoon fan, or your date is either of those things; you can probably view it, get through it, and even enjoy several laughs along the way.

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Film Friday: True Lies (1994)

True Lies fascinates me. When it came out, the action genre was played out. Spy movies, like the James Bond franchise, were mired in mediocrity. Schwarzenegger had come off his first true failure in Last Action Hero. And Tom Arnold was intensely disliked. This thing had all the hallmarks of being a dud. Yet, it proved to be one of the best action films of all time.

** spoiler alert **

The Plot

On the surface, True Lies is a Tom Clancy-like action film. It centers around Harry Tasker (Schwarzenegger), a member of an elite agency charged with protecting the world from terrorists. Harry is the best of the best and is capable of an amazing number of borderline-impossible physical tasks. He’s James Bond on steroids. His partner Gib (Tom Arnold) is the typical sidekick one finds in these stories, who does all the leg work to allow Harry to be the hero. Together they need to stop an Islamic terrorist who has gotten his hands on two nuclear bombs.

But that’s not really what this film is about.

At its core, True Lies is a romantic comedy about the relationship between Harry and his wife Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis). Harry cannot tell Helen what he does for a living, so he pretends to be a boring computer salesman. He is so dull that Helen has become bored and finds herself enticed into considering an affair. . . sort of. . . with “Simon” (Bill Paxton), a sleazy used car salesman who pretends to be a spy to trick Curtis into coming to his home. Harry discovers this and abuses his power with the agency to uncover what is going on and then to make an attempt to win back Helen. But things go awry as his day job stumbles upon the game he is playing with his wife. Soon, Helen learns the truth and the rest of the film is about them resurrecting their relationship in light of the lies Harry had been telling. Oh, and they need to stop Miami from going up in smoke and save their daughter.

What Drives This Film

True Lies should be a template for how to make an effective action film. First, you have all the usual bells and whistles – exotic locations, amazing stunts, fantastic effects, and huge stakes between the bad guys and the good guys. Indeed, the explosion of the bridge is perhaps one of the best effects/scenes in action movie history, and the fight scenes are executed brilliantly. But what sets this film apart is not the action scenes, it’s what happens between the action scenes.

For one thing, the relationship between Harry and Gib is fantastic. Like all sidekicks, Tom Arnold is here to provide comic relief. But unlike most sidekicks, he’s got a strong character himself. In many ways, he’s more capable and more rational than Harry. He’s the guy who really makes the team click. And that allows their banter to be that much more fun. In effect, their relationship is that of any standard buddy film, where the two characters are equals who get along well despite their differences, and it is because they are equals that the relationship is simultaneously frustrating and rewarding. This choice makes their moments together so much stronger than most hero/sidekick moments, where the sidekick does little more than set up the lines for the hero.

Secondly, the entire subplot between Harry, Helen and “Simon” gives this film heart. Name another action film that takes forty minutes out of its plot to do something that isn’t related to the bad guy’s scheme? There isn’t one because that rarely works. But it works here because this subplot is brilliantly woven into the main plot because of the ironic coincidence of “Simon” pretending to be a spy while Harry is pretending not to be a spy and because of the way it pulls Helen into Harry’s real life. It also smartly lets the plot develop without the filmmaker needing to show every aspect of the bad guy’s plan. Instead, the bad guy’s plan advances while you are watching the “Simon” story and you pick up right at the exciting parts.

Third, you have the romantic aspect of this film. In this case, Cameron brilliantly plays upon the most common complaints of both men and women when it comes to relationships. For men, you have the “my wife doesn’t understand me” aspect of Harry not being able to convince his wife that he’s not boring. For women, you have the escapism of wanting to find a romantic-hero, like a spy, when you’re married to a dull, but decent man. Moreover, the film resolves perfectly as both get exactly what they want. Harry’s wife realizes he’s not dull and actually takes an interest in his life, which makes him happy. Meanwhile, Helen discovers that her “dull and safe” husband really has an exciting hidden side, which makes her happy. And to cap it all off, they both realize that they really do love each other no matter what. Each of those ideas taps directly into the needs of men and women in relationships and makes the film fulfilling to both genders.

Finally, this film is a brilliant comedy. This film is awash in humor that arises out of the story and which is organic to the characters. There is no forced humor here, nor is the humor assigned to just one character. To the contrary, each character has ample moments to deliver humor and almost all of those moments are things to which you can relate. And that is a key point because it keeps the humor fresh year after year because it doesn’t rely on punch lines, it relies on you relating to those same moments in your own life. That’s very well done.

True Lies is a film that blew me away the first time I saw it, and it’s proven to have amazing staying power. It’s also a film that just doesn’t grow old. And the reason for that is that this film focuses on the relationships of the characters, not on the plot. They need to make more movies like this.

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Film Friday: The Village (2004)

I wanted to like The Village so much. After The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and even Signs, M. Night Shyamalan had won me over, even if his films weren’t as well received by the public as they should have been. But The Village never worked. It started well, but it fell apart quickly and it just kept getting worse.

** heavy spoiler alert **

The Plot

The Village is an odd story about a group of people who live in a village surrounded by a vast forest. The film appears to take place in the 1880s or in a world where humanity has been reduced to the technological and cultural level of the 1880s. Indeed, these people have no modern machinery, no cars, no electricity and no modern medicine. They also dress like Mennonite farmers and they talk like caricatures of the 1880s. The story centers around Ivy Elizabeth Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard), who can best be described as Tom Sawyer in a dress. Ivy is the daughter of the village leader Edward Walker (William Hurt), and she is blind.

As the story begins, we are told that the forest is controlled by evil creatures the villagers call “Those We Do Not Speak Of.” These creatures wear red cloaks and look something like wild boars. And apparently, there is some truce which involves the villagers staying out of the forest so the monsters won’t raid the village. But then there is an attack. In the meantime, a love story has arisen between Ivy and Lucius Hunt (Joaquin Phoenix). Lucius wants to brave the forest to get medicine from some nearby town to stop children from dying from common illnesses. The village elders forbid this. But then Lucius gets stabbed by Noah Percy (Adrien Brody), a retarded man. He is dying. So the elders decide to let Ivy venture to the town to get medicine to save him. That’s when the “big” secret gets revealed.

The Problems

Like I said, I wanted to like this film a lot. And the beginning of the film has a neat vibe to it that does present you with an interesting world that pulls you into the story, even if the dialog feels oddly stilted. Soon, however, the plot falls off the rails. And the reason it does this is because Shyamalan couldn’t decide what he really wanted to make. Did he want a horror movie? A romance? A tale of evil? A psychological thriller? Yeah, sort of.

The ultimate problem with The Village is that Shyamalan never picks a single genre which will drive the film. Instead, the film meanders between genres. By failing to pick a dominant genre, Shyamalan ends up creating a film which dabbles in several genres but never does any of them effectively. For example, the idea of the creatures in the woods is truly terrifying. And when they first appear, you really do get the makings of a heck of a horror movie. But that idea resolves itself without ever delivering a real bang. The romance between Ivy and Lucius starts well enough as well. You like both characters and you see how their relationship will ultimately prove to be satisfying once they overcome the obstacles in their path. This is a classic romantic premise and you feel like you are on your way to an exceptional romance. But that never goes anywhere either.

Both of these storylines basically stop when Lucius gets stabbed. At that point, a new storyline begins which asks whether or not the people who created the village have done something truly evil to the kids who are stuck in the village. But frustratingly, the film never delves into that either. It sets it up and it spends a few minutes batting the idea back and forth, but before this issue can be explored to any degree, the film shifts to Ivy walking through the woods to save Lucius.

This is a storytelling disaster. At each phase, you are presented with a story that you instinctively know has been very well setup and could be a great story – a horror film, a romance, and psychological thriller/tale of evil. But each time, right after the setup, the film cuts off that storyline and starts a new one. Thus, you get a horror film which becomes a romance before it unleashes any horror, and the romance becomes a psychological thriller before it give you any romantic payoff, and the psychological thriller morphs into “blind girl walking through the woods” before the issues are even fully established. This is highly frustrating.

For one thing, this wastes all the investment in the horror and romance storylines because they prove meaningless to the story. For another, the blind girl walking through the woods is the weakest storyline, so focusing on that is a huge mistake. Moreover, if anything in this film could be called a common theme, it is the storyline questioning whether or not the adults have been justified in their deceptions. That is the only storyline that really is relevant in each part of the film. BUT, once their deception is revealed, i.e. right when you expect the payoff to this story, the film shifts to blind girl walks through the woods, and all the questions that were raised by the actions of the adults get dropped, if they even got asked. This is like watching the first two thirds of a Twilight Zone only to have the last third be replaced by something from another drama. It’s completely unsatisfying.

Further, this structure undermines the big twist Shyamalan drops at the end. When the blind girl makes it through the forest, we suddenly learn the BIG secret about the adults. This secret is meant to shock the audience and to cast everything the audience has seen in a new light. But because this relates to the storyline which was already dropped by the time the secret is revealed, it lacks punch. A twist simply won’t work when it doesn’t relate to the story that is on people’s minds at the moment, and when this twist arises, the only thing the audience is left with is “girl walking through the woods.” Each of the other stories ended by that point.

Mixing genres is one of the hardest things to do in storytelling. Unless you really are an expert in both genres and you are a talented enough storyteller to bring those two storylines together seamlessly, then what you end up with is a story that is neither fish nor fowl and satisfies no one. Shyamalan’s problem is in the mixing. Indeed, his problem isn’t that he couldn’t have told a horror story, a romance, or a psychological thriller. Clearly he could, as each of these started quite promisingly. But rather than weave them together to create one overall film, he just runs them in series and cuts them off when he needs to start the next one. Thus, you end up with three partial stories and one complete story, none of which satisfy. Had Shyamalan actually brought them all together, The Village might have been his best film. Instead, it was just another Shyamalan film that didn’t live up to the hype.

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Guest Review: Another Earth (2011)

A Film Review by Tennessee Jed

This “indie” production is the first feature film collaboration between director Mike Cahill, and his long time friend, actress Brit Marling. They met while studying at Georgetown University, and co-produced and co-wrote Another Earth. Cahill directs, edits, and does cinematography while Marling takes lead acting responsibility. Made on a shoestring budget, the film received critical audience acclaim at the Sundance Festival, winning a distribution deal with Fox Searchlight Pictures. Largely unknown, this is an interesting film on several levels. Particularly noteworthy is the acting debut of Brit Marling. I unhesitatingly recommend this one, so letʼs discuss why, and review both strengths and weaknesses.

** spoiler alert **

The Plot - Rhoda Williams (Marling) is a high school senior celebrating early acceptance into M.I.T.ʼs astrophysics program. After drinks with some friends, she starts her drive home, and hears on the radio that a new previously “hidden” planet has been discovered, appears to be moving closer to Earth, and is visible to the naked eye in the evening. While sticking her head out the window to try and spot it, she crashes into John Burroughs (William Mapother) who is driving home with his family. His pregnant wife and child are both killed instantly, and he lapses into a coma. Instead of heading off to M.I.T., Rhoda finds herself a convicted felon sentenced to nearly four years in jail.

The story quickly jumps ahead to her release as she returns home to live with her parents and younger brother. Profoundly changed by the experience, Rhoda takes a job as a school janitor to limit her contact with others. She learns that Burroughs had been a music professor at Yale University and highly regarded composer.

Attempting to work through her guilt, Rhoda visits the crash scene on the 4th anniversary of the accident, and sees Burroughs (recovered from his coma) leave a toy as a memorial. Later, she is compelled to visit his home to try to apologize, but when he opens the door, she is unable to summon the courage to do so, instead claiming to be an employee of a maid service offering a free trial cleaning. At first, John refuses, but reconsiders, given that his house represents a drunken disaster of trash and empty liquor bottles. Clearly he too is still coping with enormous grief. After seeing the great job she does, he reluctantly agrees to let her come once a week.

At this point, just as the story seems headed in an all too predictable dramatic direction, another concurrent plot-line begins to take shape. The new planet with its moon now dominates the sky. Evidently it is not merely similar to earth, but an actual mirror image. Whenever Rhoda is not working, she is transfixed by the object that caused her life to change so dramatically. As national news networks carry a live feed, Dr. Joan Talis (Diane Ciesla), a government scientist, attempts to contact potential life forms there. The entire world is shocked when she not only receives a vocal reply, but the response is apparently from Dr. Talis herself. This information raises the potential specter of the “other” earth as some kind of parallel universe existing adjacent to our own. Speculation begins immediately as to whether everyone on our earth has a corresponding “duplicate” on the other. A wealthy entrepreneur sponsors a mission to the other earth, and promises to take along the winner of an essay contest about why the writer wishes to go. Of course, Rhoda writes an essay and enters.

While that plot thread moves forward, Rhoda and John continue to build their relationship, gradually realizing they have each made the other smile and laugh again. Soon, things escalate to a more romantic and physical level. Inevitably, Rhoda learns she has been chosen as the winner of the essay contest, and rushes to tell John. He immediately toasts her stating “to your most improbable dream coming true,” then decides to cook her a celebratory dinner. After dinner, realizing how much he cares for her, John pleads with Rhoda to stay with him and not go to the other world. In what is perhaps the most emotional moment in the movie, she explains why she cannot remain, and finally confesses her true identity. However, to find out how this all ultimately plays out, you will need to either see the film or seek out a review that spills the beans.

Strengths - The two main characters are believable and sell the story. Enough credibility straining plot holes exist to potentially sink this film were it not for the superb performance of the two lead actors. Mapother is a character actor with recognizable, memorable facial features. Heʼs best known for In the Bedroom, and as a recurring character on Lost. By drawing from his own experience and talking with people who have had similar experiences, his interpretation of John Burroughs feels very real.

Brit Marling is nothing short of amazing in her debut performance and credits her work as co-writer for allowing her to “become the character”. I had been greatly impressed by Jennifer Lawrence in the film Winterʼs Bone, but must state Marling is equally impressive here. Perhaps the fact neither was well known at the time of release adds to their credibility, but I expect to see a continuation of good things in the future from both Marling and Lawrence.

A second positive is that the film is devoid of political agenda themes that make many of todayʼs films distasteful. The story was developed from a conversation between Cahill and Marling about what it would actually be like to encounter a true Doppleganger. From this, they slowly developed their story, one which is ultimately hopeful.

The final major strength is the integration of two very different genreʼs into a single film. The underlying story is a fairly standardized drama about how two people sharing a common tragedy relate to each other; the second is a science fantasy about parallel realities, dopplegangers, and how it might actually feel to meet or at least see yourself from the outside as others see you. Alone, these themes are hardly unique, but the combination of the two creates a nice twist that elevates the plot above the mundane and helps prevent it from descending to the level of cliché.

Weaknesses - The plot is, to say the least, highly improbable, and the science behind the duplicate planet is not at all well explained. While I did find this bothersome to an extent, I again point out that the skill of the two actors really shines through in selling their story, allowing the viewer to largely overlook the issue. I tend to agree with one reviewer who likened the story to an episode of Twilight Zone. Viewers of that series rarely had any problem suspending belief if the storyline itself was otherwise sufficiently engaging.

Cinematography, as might be expected, looks low budget. They couldnʼt afford elaborate sets or gaffers. But after viewing the special feature on the Blu-Ray disc where Cahill and Marling discuss the problems they faced, my appreciation is raised for the solutions they found. There are many views of the planet in the sky above New Haven—almost too many. I found myself thinking “o.k., I get it, thatʼs your big effect; now show me something different.”

I also found the romance that developed between John and Rhoda too predictable, almost inevitable, and as such, slightly off-putting. Had the film makers not added the twist of the duplicate planet, I would not have enjoyed it nearly as much despite the great acting.

Conclusion - As a first effort, it was nice to see these young film makers achieve some critical (if not financial) success. The film ends abruptly and leaves plenty of room for the viewer to ponder where the story might lead if it had continued. If you havenʼt seen it, at only 90 minutes, it should be well worth your time. Sound of My Voice, Marlingʼs second effort was released earlier this year, and after reading some reviews and seeing this film, I canʼt wait to see it. These are the films that keep my interest in movies alive.

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Film Friday: Twilight (2008)

Sometimes, being a blogger means taking a bullet for your audience. That’s what Twilight was. . . right between the eyes. Oh boy. I’m still feeling the aftereffects of this liberal turkey. I need hazard pay.

** spoiler alert. . . if possible**

The Plot

Bella (Kristen Stewart), whose last name I believe is Lugosi, is a teenage girl suffering from extreme constipation and anemia, which has turned her skin snow white and permanently frozen a condescending frown on her face. Her mother lives in Arizona while her father is the Sheriff of Forks, Washington, a small town awash in mutilated bodies which nobody cares about. Bella goes to live with her father because her mother wants to tour minor league baseball stadiums.

Upon arriving in Forks, we are quickly assured that Bella is a likable heroine. . . despite the constipated look. Indeed, before our dislike for the actress can poison us too much, we are shown that she has a politically correct rainbow of “friends,” which means we should like her. Indeed, the first to greet her upon arrival are a group of Native Americans (N/A), who are here to bless her PC goodness. Even better, one is in a wheelchair. This made me feel morally superior. Ah yes, I am better than the rest of you because I know dark skinned people. Hmmm mmm Obama.

Our wheelchair bound N/A immediately delivers unto the bleached princess a cool ride, as all main characters must have: an in tune with nature, approved by wolf gods, ancient pick up truck which he personally rebuilt from bio-degrading parts. It emits Care Bears!

Snow White As Death then goes to school where the black kid is the first to speak to her. At this point, I was giddy with moral superiority. My white heroine was greeted by the black kid! I must be living right. But I wanted more. Fortunately, the film delivered. Within seconds Honkette befriends the gay Asian student newspaper Emo. This was good, but I won’t kid you. . . gay Asians just don't satisfy. I needed more. Her rainbow remained incomplete. But then, just as my smuggy was starting to wane, she found another one! An Hispanic girl! Ahhhh. This was perfect diversity. And best of all, it wasn't ruined by any ugly kids. Nope, no fat kids, no freaks. These kids all looked like models. Now that is genuine diversity.

So what happened next. Hmm. Oh yes, she sees a group of Emo kids with the same constipation/anemia disease she has. It was like an army of Emo Snow Whites. In truth, I didn’t know what to make of these kids. They were all white and that just seemed wrong. Sure, they looked like a constipated leper colony, but disease is no excuse for discrimination. Fortunately, one of them clearly was gay. His name is Edward. And here’s an interesting side note. Robert Pattinson, who plays the flaming EMO Edward, apparently suffers from the same disease as Snow White plus a form of narcolepsy that prevents him from ever fully opening his eyes.

Still, I knew right away he was the perfect hero because chicks dig pasty-white gay guys who mope!

Then we cut away to our first romantic murder as a group of pasty white “somethings” rip a white male laborer to shreds. Fortunately, no one will miss a white laborer.

Then it’s back to Bella ordering a product placement veggie burger. This recharged my smuggy. Then there was some mindless dialog, followed by some creepy stalking of Bella by Edward. But their love cannot be we are told for some reason.

Then, Bella’s black friend gets in his car and comes blasting straight toward Bella at high speed, before he hits the brakes and turns the wheel to slide out of control. As he skids toward her at full speed, Edward defies physics and stops the car, saving Bella’s life. . . for whatever that’s worth -- no one really seemed very happy about it or all that concerned frankly. But the point is, Edward is special. Bum bum BUUUUM!

Then there was more dialog which I think was stolen from parodies of romance novels. Finally, they went whale watching! Oh goodie! That’s when Bella tells the Hispanic girl that “you are a strong independent woman” because that’s what you tell people who are neither. Then she moved a few feet away and learned from her N/A friends that the “somethings” live in peace with the N/As because of a treaty they made a couple hundred years before. Oh, and Edward is a "something." This intrigues Bella, who goes home and searches the internet to discover what kind of creature lives forever, drinks blood, can’t stand sunlight and looks constipated. After an extensive montage of her searching Facebook pages, she discovers that Edwards is a dipsh. . ., er, vampire. SURPRISE!!!

Of course, now I'm wondering why the vampires bother going to school? They only hang out with each other, so they aren't there to make friends or meet meat? Maybe they just like repeating the 12th grade 500 times? Oh well, who cares, so long as it gets two beautiful, constipated people together!

Meanwhile the vampires romantically kill another white lower-middle class worker. . . someone no one could possibly miss.

Bella then decides to confront Edward in the woods, where they can touch old growth forest as they trade romantic lines about the people Edward has killed. Edward tells her he is indeed a vampire. He can’t appear in the sunlight because his pasty white skin shines like a diamond when exposed to direct sunlight, hence he lives in the Pacific Northwest and skips school on sunny days. Oh, and he only eats animals. Aw. That's so cool that he's a vegetarian!

But he does cop to a few murders. Fortunately, Bella assures him that doesn’t matter. Indeed, Edward’s murders are irrelevant because Edward is good looking. . . in a pasty, constipated sort of way. . . and good people should be allowed to kill the inferior. Then Edward tells her that she’s his “own personal brand of heroin”. . . vampire white, baby. She is of course flattered as all her prior boyfriends called her a laxative.

Then some stuff happens. Edward refuses to make Bella into a vampire because that should be left for the sequel, she returns to Phoenix, where the other vampires track her. They trap her, but Edward saves the day and the credits roll. You’ve been punked!

What Was The Point Again?

This move sucked something and it wasn’t neck. It was a jumble of political correctness strung together into a pretext of a story. This is liberalism at its ugliest and there was nothing redeeming.

Let me pose a few questions. Why no ugly kids? If they're so worried about diversity, where are the kids who aren't perfect? And what in the world kind of message is it that (1) the brutal murders of white, male laborers is something to be ignored? and (2) it's ok if your boyfriend is a killer so long as he's hot? This is the murderous fascist core of liberalism being exposed right here -- the elite have the right to kill the inferior.

And how is this romantic anyway? I get that chicks dig rebels. But this was so not that. Edward is no rebel, he’s a pouter. He's got nothing to rebel against. What’s more, the rebel is supposed to be a quasi-outlaw, standing slightly on the edge of legality but ready to settle down inside the law if he only meets the right woman -- that's the fantasy. Edward is a cold blooded killer. He even implies that he was drawn to Bella to kill her -- though the dialog is such a mess you can’t tell for certain what pasty boy is really talking about. This is like chicks digging Charlie Manson.

But even beyond the hateful messages and exclusion buried within this film, the problem with this film is that it promotes stupidity. Nothing in it makes sense, not the characters, not the plot, not the dialog. The “acting” is so bad it shouldn’t be called acting. The characters are unappealing and about as deep as two sheets of paper. This film is so politically correct, it makes Dances With Smurfs seem like a John Birch Society promotional video.

To put it simply, there are just not enough words in Heaven or on Earth dear Horatio to point out how vapid and immoral this sucker was.

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Top 25: Romance Films You Should Know

Let’s talk about the top 25 romantic films you should know. Why? Because it’s Valentine’s Day and Commentarama loves you! What makes a film romantic? A romantic film pulls at your heartstrings. It gives you the warm fuzzies or the “Spock can’t die?” weepies. But most importantly, it’s about love, baby, love.

Romances began in ancient Greece as comedies, i.e. not-dramas. But it wasn’t until western Europe’s medieval period that romances came into their own. Not coincidentally, many of the conventions that we ascribe to romances today were created at that time. For example this period gave us the white knight stories and the noble sacrifice. The Shakespearean era added romantic mix ups and the star-crossed lovers. And the Jane Austen era finished us off with the cross-class romance, the couple who are already pledged to others, and the ugly ducking. With those final pieces, romances had everything they needed, and they’ve developed little since.

1. Gone With The Wind (1939): I don’t want to die, so I’m giving the mob what it wants. Yet. . . there are legitimate reasons this film belongs at the top of the list. With a stellar cast, an interesting story, and one of the most memorable lines in film, this film, one of the all time highest grossing films, continues to transcend generations. But even more importantly, this is the only film on the entire list that doesn’t fit into the conventions discussed above, and that makes it truly special. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

2. Casablanca (1942): Boy meets girl, Nazis invade Paris, boy loses girl, boy meets girl again, girl is married to unappealing jerk, boy and girl make sacrifice for greater cause, boy keeps Nazis as parting gift. Described by many as Hollywood’s finest moment, this is THE movie for anyone who’s ever been dumped without a lot of explanation. It also contains the most famous line never said: “Play it again, Sam.” “We’ll always have Paris.”

3. Pride and Prejudice (1995): Ok, I’m cheating because this was a miniseries, but rules were meant to be bent, and this miniseries brings Jane Austen’s classic novel to life better than any other version or remake. Pride is the classic struggle of two people who fall for each other despite initially disliking each other, and then can’t ever seem to get together because neither can express themselves -- though they are quite good at arranging the lives of others. Pride is one of the most copied works, as seen again in movies like Clueless, The Sound of Music and many others. “In vain have I struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

4. An Affair To Remember (1957): Ranked as the most romantic film of all time by the American Film Institute, this Spock-weepy classic staring Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr presents a true star-crossed lovers tale. Two strangers fall in love, despite being engaged to others, and promise to meet in six months to start anew. But things go wrong, as one suffers an injury, and fear of rejection threatens to keep them apart. “There must be something between us, even if it's only an ocean.”

5. Beauty and the Beast (1991): Am I kidding? A cartoon? Nope, not kidding. Show me a little girl. . . or a big girl for that matter, who doesn’t know this movie by heart? Beauty and the Beast is the classic princess fairy tale, mixed with a little Pride and Prejudice, a heaping dose of unrequited love and lovers' misinterpretations, and it plays on the idea that the right woman can turn a frog into a prince. “She’ll never see me as anything but a monster. It’s hopeless.”

6. Pretty Woman (1990): Pretty Woman is the most recent version of Pygmalion, later to become My Fair Lady. My Fair Lady, which I vastly prefer, could easily have taken this spot, but I chose Pretty Woman because of its more recent vintage and because it wasn’t a musical. This story embodies the modern version of the white knight tale, with Richard “Gerbil” Gere, the heartless corporate raider, rescuing Julia Roberts, the hooker with the heart of gold. This movie made Roberts into America’s Sweetheart, gak. “I want the fairy tale.”

7. Four Weddings And A Funeral (1994): The highest grossing British film up to that point, and the film that made Hugh Grant into an international star, this film follows Hugh Grant, who falls for Andie MacDowell after a one night stand. They keep running into each other thereafter at weddings and a funeral, each time with one of them engaged to another, until they finally put it all together. “The castle beckons.”

8. Ghost (1990): Ghost is the classic story of the separated lovers, with an interesting twist -- they are separated by Patrick Swayze’s death. Moreover, Swayze must work to protect his wife from his own killer. Add in the fact that he’s unable to tell his wife that he loved her until after his death, and this turns into one of the most memorable romance movies. This movie even makes Whoopie Goldberg likeable. Will miracles never cease? “Ditto.”

9. Titanic (1997): I found this cliché-riddled movie ridiculous, but it is known the world over. The highest grossing film of all time until Avatar, this film made Leonardo DiCaprio a star outside gay circles and it showed that nothing is more romantic than dying in a disaster after a gun fight. “I’m the king of the world.”

10. Dirty Dancing (1987): Here is one of the travesties of these kinds of lists. This is an ugly duckling story similar to Strictly Ballroom, but Strictly Ballroom is far superior on so many levels -- from the believability of the romantic interests, to the more sensual dancing, to the more intelligent humor. Yet, Dirty Dancing is on the list, and Strictly Ballroom is not, because it is more known. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

11. Princess Bride (1987): How can a movie that pokes fun at romantic movies be in the top eleven? Because it manages to create one of the sweeter romantic movies of modern times. Everyone knows this movie, and even kids are ok with the kissy parts. “As you wish.”

12. Say Anything (1989): Lane Meyer, er. . . Lloyd Dobler is the classic underachiever. He wants to date Diane, who is going places, like England. Soon they fall in love. But her father does not approve. Will Lloyd have what it takes to win the girl? We do know one thing, he’s got a boom box and a Peter Gabriel cassette, and he knows how to use them to up the ante for teenage stalkers everywhere! “What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter.”

13. When Harry Met Sally (1989): Ok, full disclosure -- I hate this one. I’ve never see two less appealing people. . . they should have been hit by a train. Harry Sally follows two shallow, self-centered jerks over a twelve year period, and it introduces concepts like “the high maintenance girlfriend” and the “transitional person.” Oh goody. “Can men and women ever just be friends?”

14. The Philadelphia Story (1940): This one is listed at No. 5 on the AFI’s list of romantic movies, though I see it more as comedic than romantic. Still, this sharp-witted comedy provides plenty of romantic sparks as socialite Katherine Hepburn’s wedding plans are complicated by the arrival of Cary Grant, her ex-husband. At a time when the Hayes Code blocked any mention of extramarital affairs, Story was considered one of the best comedies about “remarriage” -- the 1930s/1940s substitute for affairs.

15. While You Were Sleeping (1995): Along with Speed, Sleeping launched Sandra Bullock’s career, and didn’t do too badly for Bill Pullman either. Sleeping is a mistaken identity story involving the perfect girl who is mistaken for the fiancé of a man in a coma. She meets coma-boy’s family and falls for his brother, Bill Pullman. But when coma-boy wakes up, the jig is up. Disgraced, Bullock goes back to her sad, sad life. Will love conquer all? “I want you. . . not to be unhappy.”

16. Shakespeare in Love (1998): This clever comedy deals with the forbidden love of William Shakespeare (Joseph Fiennes) and Viola de Lesseps (Gwyneth Paltrow). With an amazing cast that includes Geoffrey Rush and Judi Dench, this movie delivers both a hilarious take on Shakespeare and a parody of many of his works, and a touching star-crossed lovers story. This is perhaps the one movie that best encapsulates the entire Shakespearean era version of romance. And any move that makes cold-fish Gwyneth Paltrow seem human deserves to be on the list. “I love you, Will, beyond poetry.”

17. You’ve Got Mail (1998): A famous instance of product placement, AOL was a remake of 1940’s The Shop Around the Corner, where two letter-writing lovers don’t realize that their sweetheart penpals happen to be the co-workers they can’t stand. AOL updates this concept for the internet age. Starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as competing book store managers, this film also was heavily influenced by Pride and Prejudice. “You’ve got mail.”

18. Sleepless in Seattle (1993): Before they managed competing book stores, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan remade An Affair to Remember without the complexity. . . forget the disability, eliminate Hanks’ wife with extreme prejudice, and cue the compliant, cute kid to reflect the single-parent environment of the 1990s (and to give the easy seal of approval to Ryan). “Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.”

19. Notting Hill (1999): Hill is a serviceable romance except for the twenty-minute smirkoff near the end, which significantly raised my tolerance for violence. Hill brings together smirking heavy-weights Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts under the guidance of the same writer as Four Weddings, to give us the highest grossing British film since Four Weddings. This tale of two people who don’t fit in each other’s lives but decide they can’t live apart revived the sagging careers of both smirkers, and showed that formulaic pabulum continues to sell. “Look at me, I’m smirking.”

20. Officer and Gentleman (1982): There were a series of romantic films that were huge about 20 years ago, but which seem to be slowly fading. This includes The French Lieutenant’s Woman and Love Story, but the best of this group appears to be An Officer and a Gentleman. Richard Gere woos Debra Winger as he goes through aviation officer candidate school. This one ends in the iconic scene where Gere walks through a factory to find Winger as the UAW applauds. “I got nowhere else to go!”

21. My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997): In this tale of unrequited love, Smirker Roberts and her college buddy Dermot Mulroney agree that they will marry if neither is married by the time they turn 28. But at 27, Mulroney tells Roberts he wants to marry Cameron Diaz. . . for some reason. This of course convinces Roberts that she really loves Mulroney. Thus, she must pretend to be the dutiful maid of honor while secretly trying to sabotage the wedding. “This is my one chance at happiness. I have to be ruthless!”

22. The English Patient (1996): How can a movie with the talented Ralph Fiennes, the beautiful Juliette Binoche, Mr. Pride Colin Firth, and two Jesuses -- Willem Dafoe and Jurgen Prochnow -- go wrong? I don’t know, but this one bored me to tears. . . not Spock-tears, but tears none-the-less. Maybe you liked it better than I did, many people apparently did. Enough in fact, that it makes our countdown. “Why are you so determined to keep me alive?”

23. Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001): Yet another Pride and Prejudice adaptation, this one centers around a woman who works in the publishing industry, where she fantasizes about her boss until she meets a lawyer she can’t stand (Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. . . again). He thinks she’s a fool. So naturally, they need to fall in love. This film is mostly famous for capturing the angst of single-women in the 1990s. Avoid this one if you have a Y chromosome. “Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Mom... Hi.”

24. City of Angels (1998): Angels is a remake of Wim Wenders’ Wings of Desire, in which Nicolas Cage gives up being an angel so he can be with the ill-fated Meg Ryan, a surgeon who is anguished by her inability to save one of her patients. “I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.”

25. Breakfast at Tiffanies (1961): Breakfast gives us Audrey Hepburn’s most memorable role as she plays the naive, eccentric gold digger Holly Golightly, who seems afraid to fall in love. “Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself.”


Again, these are not necessarily the best romantic movies, but these are the ones you should know to be conversant in our culture. If you want a couple of great ones that aren’t on the list, try the Korean My Sassy Girl, which I’ll review at some point. Or, surprisingly, try Jet Li’s Hero, a martial arts film centered around a very strong love story. Or how about WALL-E, a touching romance between two robots? I’ve been told Until the End of the World is pretty good too.

Thoughts?

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Film Friday: Strictly Ballroom (1992)

Written by Ayn Rand, Strictly Ballroom is one of my favorite romantic movie. Ok, I’m kidding, it wasn’t written by Ayn Rand, though it could have been. I’ll bet no one has ever told you that before!

** spoiler alert **

Strictly Ballroom began life as a play written by Baz Luhrmann and Andrew Bovell. In 1992, Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge) made it into a movie. . . his first. With a wry sense of humor, a sharp wit, and a flare for the ridiculous, Luhrmann turned what would have been just an another low-budget ugly duckling tale into a worldwide sensation that continues to appear on "best of" lists today. And in the process, he gave us one of the better romantic movies of the last couple decades.

Strictly Ballroom is the story of Scott Hastings (Paul Mercurio), and his struggle against the powers that be. Scott has been dreaming of winning the Pan Pacific Grand Prix ballroom dancing championship since he was six years old. Under the guidance of his über stage-mother Shirley (who never managed to win the Grand Prix herself), Scott has become the champion dancer of Kendall’s Dance Academy. Les Kendall is Shirley’s ex-dance partner. Scott's father, we're told, doesn't dance and is withdrawn into his own world.

As the story opens, we learn that all is not well with Scott. Scott is a talented dancer, but feels trapped by the regimented rules of ballroom dancing. He wishes to dance his own moves (steps). But this doesn’t suit the powers that be, specifically Australian Dancing Federal Chairman Barry Fife. Fife warns Scott that he cannot use his own steps: “there will be no new steps!” But Scott ignores him and thereby sets into motion a chain of events that will shake the Grand Prix world to its very foundations.

When Scott first displays his new steps, the powers that be instantly turn on Scott. He's disqualified from the event and threatened with further disqualification. His dance partner Liz, unable to stand the strain of living on the edge of propriety, leaves Scott so she can dance with his biggest competitor, Ken Railings. Scott’s mother lays a heavy guilt trip on him, as she very visibly suffers a near nervous breakdown trying to reign Scott in and find him a new partner. But Scott will not be bowed. He wants to dance his own steps. All he needs is a partner.

Enter Fran. Fran (Tara Morice) is a shy Spanish girl with bad skin, glasses and a horrible fashion sense. She’s only a beginner dancer, but when Scott loses Liz, Fran asks to dance with him. Scott at first scoffs at the notion he would dance with a mere beginner, but he soon becomes intrigued when he learns she too has invented her own moves. Soon Scott sets about teaching her to dance, so she can become his partner.

This leads to the usual ugly duckling scenes, as Fran is made more attractive, as misunderstandings and insecurities interfere in their relationship, and as Scott learns he doesn’t know everything. Indeed, some of the best scenes in the movie come after Scott meets Fran’s father and grandmother and discovers they too are dancers: “Show me your Paso Doble!”

All the while, Scott’s mother and the rest of the powers that be try to shut him down, to separate him from Fran and to make him dance with Tina Sparkle -- a former Grand Prix winner. They even try to drive Fran away. But Scott will not listen, as he is falling for Fran. As an aside, the scene where Scott’s mother finally realizes what Scott is up to -- when she and everyone else catch Scott and Fran dancing behind a stage curtain, is probably my favorite dance in any film.

With Scott slipping out of their grasp, the powers that be turn up the heat on Scott. A decision is made to tell Scott his father was destroyed by his own selfish desires to dance his own steps. . . a decision that remains a powerful wedge between Scott’s father and Scott’s mother to this very day. But this is all a dirty lie, meant to cover up a shocking betrayal. At the same time, plans are put into place to guarantee Scott cannot win, no matter what he does. But why would this group of glitterati go to such lengths to stop Scott from dancing new moves? Why is he such a risk to them? Because they can’t do these steps, and that means they can’t teach these steps. And that means they lose their power and their jobs. In the words of Chairman Barry Fife: “If you can’t dance a step, you can’t teach it, and if you can’t teach it, we might as well all pack up and go home.”

Now there’s one more thing you need to know. This whole movie is satire. That's right. The Pan Pacific Grand Prix, the event that tears these people apart, is nothing more than a local, amateur dancing competition. That’s it. This makes lines like the following from Barry Fife wonderfully absurd: “Let's not forget, that a Pan Pacific Champion becomes a hero, a guiding light to all dancers, someone who'll set the right example.” Moreover, the characters are wonderfully drawn. Les Kendell sprouts malapropisms every time he speaks. Shirley is so tan she's become orange. Fife plays the heavy from behind a shockingly bad toupee. Ken Railings, the evil competitor, is an alcoholic hot tub salesman. Even Doug Hastings, the henpecked father, has a terrible secret (and a great dance scene). And the cast of dancers are painted and feathered to the absurd.

Many compare this move to Dirty Dancing, but the two really are very different. Whereas Dirty Dancing was entirely serious, Strictly Ballroom is thoroughly tongue in cheek. I also must say the choreography in Strictly Ballroom is superior. Dirty Dancing was very typical Hollywood. It was designed to be flashy and, where it was meant to be sexy, it was obvious and oversexed. The dancing in Strictly Ballroom, by comparison, showed tremendous technical skill. You felt like you were peeking in on dancers testing their limits in private, as compared to Dirty Dancing which felt staged. And unlike the over-sexed Dirty Dancing, I would describe the dances between Fran and Scott as intimate and sensual. Dirty Dancing strikes me as the kind of dancing that would be fun to watch, but Strictly Ballroom strikes me as the kind of dancing you wished you could do.

So how does Ayn Rand fit into this? I doubt Luhrmann had Rand in mind when he wrote this, but he’s absolutely picked up every element of The Fountainhead. Scott, like Roark, is a true talent, a savant. He's also unorthodox, seeing a better way. But the powers that be, a group of certified professionals who lack talent but who are the gatekeepers to Scott’s dream by virtue of their being deigned to be the best by their fellows, are desperate to stop him despite his talent (or because of it). They see him as a threat to their way of life. His talent exposes the lack of theirs, and they would rather society be deprived of what he can achieve than have their own deficiencies laid bare. Thus, they try to sway him, they try to threaten him, they even co-opt those closest to him. Yet, in the end, Scott, like Roark, decides he would rather see his dream destroyed and lose the Gran Prix than sacrifice his principles. In this way, Strictly Ballroom is The Fountainhead only with the 14 hour ending speech by Roark replaced succinctly by Scott with: “Fran, I wanna dance with you!” (and with fewer explosions).

Maybe this is why Strictly Ballroom resonates so well? Maybe this is why Strictly Ballroom is so much more than your typical ugly duckling movie? Perhaps, it's the Randian message of defeating the oppression of the mediocre, of letting the savants set their own standards, that drives this movie home? After all, we can all relate to having been frustrated by people who lacked our vision. Or maybe, we just liked the music?

And while you’re pondering that. . . show me your Paso Doble!

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