Friday, August 5, 2011

Film Friday: Twilight (2008)

Sometimes, being a blogger means taking a bullet for your audience. That’s what Twilight was. . . right between the eyes. Oh boy. I’m still feeling the aftereffects of this liberal turkey. I need hazard pay.

** spoiler alert. . . if possible**
The Plot
Bella (Kristen Stewart), whose last name I believe is Lugosi, is a teenage girl suffering from extreme constipation and anemia, which has turned her skin snow white and permanently frozen a condescending frown on her face. Her mother lives in Arizona while her father is the Sheriff of Forks, Washington, a small town awash in mutilated bodies which nobody cares about. Bella goes to live with her father because her mother wants to tour minor league baseball stadiums.

Upon arriving in Forks, we are quickly assured that Bella is a likable heroine. . . despite the constipated look. Indeed, before our dislike for the actress can poison us too much, we are shown that she has a politically correct rainbow of “friends,” which means we should like her. Indeed, the first to greet her upon arrival are a group of Native Americans (N/A), who are here to bless her PC goodness. Even better, one is in a wheelchair. This made me feel morally superior. Ah yes, I am better than the rest of you because I know dark skinned people. Hmmm mmm Obama.

Our wheelchair bound N/A immediately delivers unto the bleached princess a cool ride, as all main characters must have: an in tune with nature, approved by wolf gods, ancient pick up truck which he personally rebuilt from bio-degrading parts. It emits Care Bears!

Snow White As Death then goes to school where the black kid is the first to speak to her. At this point, I was giddy with moral superiority. My white heroine was greeted by the black kid! I must be living right. But I wanted more. Fortunately, the film delivered. Within seconds Honkette befriends the gay Asian student newspaper Emo. This was good, but I won’t kid you. . . gay Asians just don't satisfy. I needed more. Her rainbow remained incomplete. But then, just as my smuggy was starting to wane, she found another one! An Hispanic girl! Ahhhh. This was perfect diversity. And best of all, it wasn't ruined by any ugly kids. Nope, no fat kids, no freaks. These kids all looked like models. Now that is genuine diversity.

So what happened next. Hmm. Oh yes, she sees a group of Emo kids with the same constipation/anemia disease she has. It was like an army of Emo Snow Whites. In truth, I didn’t know what to make of these kids. They were all white and that just seemed wrong. Sure, they looked like a constipated leper colony, but disease is no excuse for discrimination. Fortunately, one of them clearly was gay. His name is Edward. And here’s an interesting side note. Robert Pattinson, who plays the flaming EMO Edward, apparently suffers from the same disease as Snow White plus a form of narcolepsy that prevents him from ever fully opening his eyes.

Still, I knew right away he was the perfect hero because chicks dig pasty-white gay guys who mope!

Then we cut away to our first romantic murder as a group of pasty white “somethings” rip a white male laborer to shreds. Fortunately, no one will miss a white laborer.

Then it’s back to Bella ordering a product placement veggie burger. This recharged my smuggy. Then there was some mindless dialog, followed by some creepy stalking of Bella by Edward. But their love cannot be we are told for some reason.

Then, Bella’s black friend gets in his car and comes blasting straight toward Bella at high speed, before he hits the brakes and turns the wheel to slide out of control. As he skids toward her at full speed, Edward defies physics and stops the car, saving Bella’s life. . . for whatever that’s worth -- no one really seemed very happy about it or all that concerned frankly. But the point is, Edward is special. Bum bum BUUUUM!

Then there was more dialog which I think was stolen from parodies of romance novels. Finally, they went whale watching! Oh goodie! That’s when Bella tells the Hispanic girl that “you are a strong independent woman” because that’s what you tell people who are neither. Then she moved a few feet away and learned from her N/A friends that the “somethings” live in peace with the N/As because of a treaty they made a couple hundred years before. Oh, and Edward is a "something." This intrigues Bella, who goes home and searches the internet to discover what kind of creature lives forever, drinks blood, can’t stand sunlight and looks constipated. After an extensive montage of her searching Facebook pages, she discovers that Edwards is a dipsh. . ., er, vampire. SURPRISE!!!

Of course, now I'm wondering why the vampires bother going to school? They only hang out with each other, so they aren't there to make friends or meet meat? Maybe they just like repeating the 12th grade 500 times? Oh well, who cares, so long as it gets two beautiful, constipated people together!

Meanwhile the vampires romantically kill another white lower-middle class worker. . . someone no one could possibly miss.

Bella then decides to confront Edward in the woods, where they can touch old growth forest as they trade romantic lines about the people Edward has killed. Edward tells her he is indeed a vampire. He can’t appear in the sunlight because his pasty white skin shines like a diamond when exposed to direct sunlight, hence he lives in the Pacific Northwest and skips school on sunny days. Oh, and he only eats animals. Aw. That's so cool that he's a vegetarian!

But he does cop to a few murders. Fortunately, Bella assures him that doesn’t matter. Indeed, Edward’s murders are irrelevant because Edward is good looking. . . in a pasty, constipated sort of way. . . and good people should be allowed to kill the inferior. Then Edward tells her that she’s his “own personal brand of heroin”. . . vampire white, baby. She is of course flattered as all her prior boyfriends called her a laxative.

Then some stuff happens. Edward refuses to make Bella into a vampire because that should be left for the sequel, she returns to Phoenix, where the other vampires track her. They trap her, but Edward saves the day and the credits roll. You’ve been punked!
What Was The Point Again?
This move sucked something and it wasn’t neck. It was a jumble of political correctness strung together into a pretext of a story. This is liberalism at its ugliest and there was nothing redeeming.

Let me pose a few questions. Why no ugly kids? If they're so worried about diversity, where are the kids who aren't perfect? And what in the world kind of message is it that (1) the brutal murders of white, male laborers is something to be ignored? and (2) it's ok if your boyfriend is a killer so long as he's hot? This is the murderous fascist core of liberalism being exposed right here -- the elite have the right to kill the inferior.

And how is this romantic anyway? I get that chicks dig rebels. But this was so not that. Edward is no rebel, he’s a pouter. He's got nothing to rebel against. What’s more, the rebel is supposed to be a quasi-outlaw, standing slightly on the edge of legality but ready to settle down inside the law if he only meets the right woman -- that's the fantasy. Edward is a cold blooded killer. He even implies that he was drawn to Bella to kill her -- though the dialog is such a mess you can’t tell for certain what pasty boy is really talking about. This is like chicks digging Charlie Manson.

But even beyond the hateful messages and exclusion buried within this film, the problem with this film is that it promotes stupidity. Nothing in it makes sense, not the characters, not the plot, not the dialog. The “acting” is so bad it shouldn’t be called acting. The characters are unappealing and about as deep as two sheets of paper. This film is so politically correct, it makes Dances With Smurfs seem like a John Birch Society promotional video.

To put it simply, there are just not enough words in Heaven or on Earth dear Horatio to point out how vapid and immoral this sucker was.


Unknown said...

Andrew: I think you were overly-generous in giving this turkey a genuine analysis. After about fifteen minutes, I just yelled "puke" and sent the video back to NetFlix. LOL

AndrewPrice said...

It was pretty awful. But it got the analysis it deserved. Blech.

CrispyRice said...

OMG, you know that there are legions (and I do mean LEGIONS) of teeny-boppers (and possibly their mothers) who are going to kill you now, right?

It's been nice reading ya... Ahem...

AndrewPrice said...

Crispy, I'm nimble and hard to hit! Plus, I blend in like a fox on a highway... wait, that's not right.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

"But then, just as my smuggy was starting to wane, she found another one! An Hispanic girl! Ahhhh. This was perfect diversity. And best of all, it wasn't ruined by any ugly kids. Nope, no fat kids, no freaks. These kids all looked like models. Now that is genuine diversity."

LOL! Didn't you know that the small town of forks, Washington has a perfect blend of diversity reflecting mother gaia herself?

It's like a mini mini mini mini San Francisco without the fat and ugly kids. It's true! Go see for yourself! (Rolls eyes).

Very funny post, Andrew! I can't stop laughing (and I can't tell my wife what's so funny).

"Ha ha! Just reading Larry The Cable Guy philosophy dear."

Excellent MST 3000-like treatment, Andrew! :^)

CrispyRice said...

"I blend in like a fox on a highway" LOL! I'm going to have to use that.

I'd like to recommend that you watch my favorite vampire movie instead -- Love at First Bite!

"Come back black chicken!"

Joel Farnham said...


I was played out on vampires during the second season of True Blood. Not only played out, I saw the Third Season hoping for it to get better, but it didn't get any better. I have yet to see this year's offering. I am sick of the Modern Day Version of the Sympathetic Vampire. Also forcing vampires to be Politically Correct is just compounding the problem. That makes it doubly sure I won't bother to see it.

Also it sounds like it was created by marketers. They heard teens like vampires, and teens are into politically correct concepts and diversity so it is a perfect match .......... for marketers.

Bluesplinter said...

Thanks for the level-headed (non-female teeny-bopper) insight... as a 40-ish fan of BtVS and Angel, I always wondered if I should watch this current generation of vamp flicks, but now I won't have to bother with 'em. :) Whew!

Tam said...

I forwarded this to my sister...she lives among the legions Crispy referred to. They call themselves "Twi-moms." She's been accused of some pretty hurtful things by GROWN WOMEN because she has an opposing opinion. There's that liberalism again! Their obsession for these books and movies is creepy and I'm told has destroyed several friendships. I have stubbornly refused to read or watch anything "Twi" related, therefore I'm narrow minded, or something.

AndrewPrice said...

Bluesplinter, Welcome, and you're welcome! Glad to be of service. :-)

For the record, I enjoy Buffy and Angel a lot, but I did not enjoy Twilight at all. I tried, but it just made it impossible.

BoilerRoomElf said...

Well, elves and vampires go together like fire and Anne Rice, you know.

But after that review, we think we'll wait for it to come on Keebler Fright Night to watch it. It's hosted by Elvira now-a-days and is a pretty good way to spend a late Friday night.

CrispyRice said...

Tam, that's scarier than I thought it was! Yikes!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Ben! I love MST3k, by the way!

I can only imagine that this film accurately portrays small town Washington state! ;-)

The political correctness was stunningly over the top. Compare that with Harry Potter (which we just talked about) which has none of this. There are minority kids, but you don't feel like "oh yeah, Harry needs to find a black friend." They're just other kids -- some good, some bad, some you like some you don't... you never feel like you're being played. Here I did.

AndrewPrice said...

Crispy, I used to love Love At First Bite, but I haven't seen it in years. George Hamilton! LOL!

Feel free to use that... if you find it useful. ;-)

AndrewPrice said...

Joel, It is a shame what they've done to the noble vampire these days, but you can't fight progress. There's room for both! :-)

That said, this film was a real blight.

And you may be right about the marketing. It really did have a feel of something being put together by numbers: ok, we need the following 6 things....

It never felt like a genuine story to me. It felt like someone took "vampire story extract" and mixed it with a bunch of generic film requirements to come up with a story. It feels very cynical.

Tam said...

Crispy, it is really bizarre to me. These are grown up, married women, obsessing about flaky teenage romantic angst (or something...) and they act like if you don't like the movie, you can't like them. They take criticism of the movie, book, and characters very personally. I think it is a manifestation of some kind of sexual repression :)

AndrewPrice said...

Tam, Sorry to hear you're narrow-minded. But as you might expect, you are in the right. :-)

I've heard that some people have really gone crazy over these books/films. I guess that's the nature of the human race. But unless the books are a heck of a lot different than the films, this is really a horrible thing to become obsessed with. It's shallow, dull and cynical.

And you're right about good old fashioned liberal tolerance -- you better believe exactly what I do or you are evil, rotten, stupid, ignorant, etc. No dissent will be tolerated.

Frankly, I can't even imagine living in that kind of world. I like hearing different views.

Hopefully, your sister will enjoy the review! :-)

AndrewPrice said...

BRE, That's a lot of punning there!

I had no idea there was an Elf Fright Night? Sounds interesting. If they ever show Elfzilla, let me know. ;-)

Tam said...

I'm sure she will enjoy it...she likes to stir the pot. I hope she can have some fun with with it.

AndrewPrice said...

Tam and Crispy, It is pretty creepy, but unfortunately, there are people out there who do obsess about all kinds of things.

You might be right Tam that this is an expression of sexual repression, it wouldn't surprise me at all. But it really is strange and creepy to get so obsessed about a teeny-angst book/film that they would let it affect their friendships. Very strange.

AndrewPrice said...

Tam, Excellent! Stirring the pot can be quite a good pastime! :-)

BoilerRoomElf said...

KEEBLER Fright Night, Bossman! They just showed Elfzilla last week. It was scary! Imagine a 6 foot elf and the havoc he can wreak!

Tonight is a double feature - "The Elforcist" and "Jingle Jingle Die!"

Ahh, the classics!

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

MST3k rocks!

I don't get the teen angst/pout thing. Particularly the gay vampire version.
If a gay vampire was this ansty pouty for that long I can't believe a vampire family wouldn't tear him to pieces.

BTW, if you ever do visit Forks don't forget to buy the overpriced (any price is overpriced) paraphanalia, take the tour and pick a team (gay vampire or gay wereworlf).

I just realized on blatantly non-pc thing in the Twilight cry me a river series:

Bella chooses the gay past white vampire over the gay A/N! That's a huge liberal no no!
Everyone knows gay A/N werewolves trump gay pasty white vampires. Duh.

AndrewPrice said...

Sorry, KEEBLER Fright Night!

"Imagine a 6 foot Elf and the havoc he can wreak!" LOL!

The Elforcist sounds pretty good. But I'm not into slasher flicks, so I'll pass on Jingle Jingle Die. LOL!

AndrewPrice said...

Ben, Yep, MST3k rocks!

Is there a real Forks, Washington? They must be thrilled. Actually, it's probably pretty good for tourism.

Danae said...

I am Tam's sister, and I hate to admit that I read all the books and saw one movie, so at least I am not narrow minded! They are so awful. I kept thinking a plot or something decent would happen only to have it get worse. I have a bad habit of finishing books I start even if I hate them. The movie was so awful, I found myself laughing out loud. But- it is just as good as the books. And my "friends" are crazy. I have been black listed because I do not love them, told I must be missing things in my marriage, and not on the same intellectual level as these other ladies because I did not love these teenage books. I loved your review, it is great and sums up the entire book series and the movies. I did not watch any more of them, couldn't risk killing off more brain cells.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

BR Elf:

I can't wait to see a Leprechaun and Boiler Elf buddy slasher flick!

rlaWTX said...

I feel the need to hide behind a BRE as I say that I enjoyed the books. They weren't "great", but they were good enough to keep reading. However, I think the movie casting was AWFUL!!!! I have not seen, nor do I intend to see the movies. I am not sure in what universe Pattison is cute, but it is not mine! [I actually read them because I was asked my opinion as they hype began about the time the 2nd volume came out.]

I also read a lot of paranormal fiction - the Sookie Stackhouse bks (not the True Blood show) included. Meyers' weren't as good as most of the authors' that I keep reading - and I won't read her next series.

AndrewPrice said...

Danae, Welcome!

I'm glad you liked the review. I was frankly expecting a lot more from the way people talk about these books, but this was downright horrible. It had nothing -- no good characters, no good story, no depth... nothing.

Sorry to hear you're getting all kinds of grief about not joining the pod people. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like they have some serious personal problems that they should work through rather than obsessing about these books/films.

On reading the books through, I'm the same way -- I hate not finishing books so I will force my way though any book I start. And it is amazing when you find something that just keeps getting worse as you go along. It happens, but it's still amazing because you would think they would eventually get into a groove. But I guess not always.

Thanks for the heads up on the quality of the books! :-)

AndrewPrice said...

Ben, That has "direct to DVD" written all over it.

But I am trying to convince the Elves to write a book about their lives.

AndrewPrice said...

rlaWTX, Don't worry about hiding behind an elf, we have room for all opinions here! :-)

I'm glad you enjoyed the books. I haven't read them and really don't intend to at this point. Thus, I can't say how closely the film tracks them, but I can say that I absolutely did not enjoy the film (as you can tell).

And I actually don't think either lead is very attractive frankly. So you're not alone in not thinking much of Pattinson.

BoilerRoomElf said...

Ben - "Everyone knows gay A/N werewolves trump gay pasty white vampires" - how very true!! Everyone knows that! And I'm sure there's a buddy slasher somewhere in our DVD collection in this cluttered boiler room...

rla, we're a little small to be hiding behind. On the other hand, we're tough and scrappy. Hmm, I think we could take a vampire if there were enough of us.

Bossman, we're gonna need a ghost writer for that book!

AndrewPrice said...

BRE, I really don't want to know about your film collection.

But I'll see what I can do about finding you a ghost writer! :-)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

That's it Andrew!

The Ghost Rider and the BR Elf!
You should be in casting.

AndrewPrice said...

Ben, Scott's the one who's good with casting. I'm more about story telling.

Ed said...

Andrew, I probably wasn't going to see this in any event, but it's good to know I'm not missing anything.

Congrats on your continued success at BH!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Ed, It's been fun and the response has been overwhelming! Hopefully, it continues.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

I think it will continue Andrew, as long as you don't mention your Die Hard The Musical, ballet dancing mime dreams (not that there's anything wrong with that).

AndrewPrice said...

Ben, There goes the plot of the Elf book! LOL!

Actually, as I've said before, I'm amazed at the response and I'm glad people have found my articles interesting.

Anonymous said...

I don't have much to contribute... only to say that sometimes I think your sarcasm gets the better of you when you hate a movie. :-)

On the other hand, if you can get through this and Avatar, then A.I. should be a cakewalk.

It'll be nice when the Twilight movies end. Every year, the San Diego Comic-Con gets overrun by tweens and their Twi-nut moms, much to the annoyance of the rest of the geeks.

thundercatkp said...

I never could get into the whole Twilight thing...Team Jacob (girlie squeal)...Team Edward...ewwwwww...gag puke.

I'll take Interview With a Vampire....any day...I keep hoping if I watch it enough times maybe Armand and Lafayette will kiss...hahahaha...what it wouldn't be THAT bad...just saying.

As for Twilight...maybe the younger, yeah and some older married ladies, just don't know what good cinema is...

AndrewPrice said...

Scott, I have no idea what you're talking about with "sarcasm"? I am aware of no such concept. Are you sure there was sarcasm in this review? ;-)

Wow, I had no idea that Twilight people were overrunning comic-con. It sounds like there should be a movie in that concept!

I'll get around to A.I. someday, I promise.

AndrewPrice said...

thundercatkp, I can't explain it. I've never gotten into a movie enough that it comes between me and my friends. And why this film in particular sets people off, I have no idea.

USArtguy said...

Ha, ha, ha! Now I know that all that "teen angst" is just constipation! LOL!

"Then some stuff happens." Great synopsis!

I haven't seen the first one, but I got roped into seeing the second one with my wife, my teeny-bopper daughter and her best gal pal. I can do a one word review of the second film -- at least from a man's perspective -- "tedious".

T-Rav said...

?!?!?! You did a "Twilight" review and didn't tell me???!!! No one tells me these things!!! @#$%&!!

AndrewPrice said...

USArtguy, I can imagine that "tedious" would describe it well. I don't intend to see any more in the series, but this one felt tedious. If I hadn't been planning to review it, I never would have finished it.

AndrewPrice said...

T-Rav, I take it you're a big Twilight fan?

T-Rav said...

Andrew, I loathe that movie. It was only bearable the second time around because I was listening to the RiffTrax version. The first time I watched it, I think I had a lot of homicidal thoughts running through my head.

There's not really a lot I can add to your takedown. The plot is crap, the characters are not even slightly interesting, and to say that the acting is wooden would be an insult to actual wooden acting. The only thing that got me through the movie was the fact that I thought Kristen Stewart was pretty attractive (what do you want? I'm a 20-something heterosexual male, sue me), but that's not nearly enough to make me want to watch this crapfest or any of its later installments.

AndrewPrice said...

T-Rav, I didn't even have that because I'm not a fan of the "condescending look."

T-Rav said...

Incidentally, there is in fact a Forks, Washington; until recently the town's chief claim to fame was a lumber museum showing the glories of the old Pacific Northwest logging era. If I were a Forks denizen, I think I would have stuck with the museum as a means of publicity, rather than be associated with such dreck.

AndrewPrice said...

Dreck sells. And if that's what it takes to make the economy take off, then people will play along -- no matter how stupid.

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