Questionable Trek vol. 16

It’s easy to criticize, but much harder to create. We’ve criticized the Star Trek movies a good deal, so maybe it’s time to offer some tips on how we would improve them?

Question: "Andrew, How would you improve Star Trek III?"


Andrew’s Answer: How would I fix Star Trek III? Hmm. This one needs serious reconstruction. The main point to the film is to find a way to bring Spock back. The rest is kind of filler. Oh, and somebody needs to kill off Kirk’s annoying, whiny, pathetic son so Kirk doesn’t end up tied down to this dork in future films.

Let’s start.

First, Kirk’s son: The film should start with a security crew meeting the Enterprise as she returns to port. They are here to arrest Dr. Marcus and son for the high crime of using an illegal substance in the Genesis device. . . flubber. Kirk wants to help them, but he gets called away to a special de-briefing, where he is told Starfleet intends to destroy the new planet. They don’t tell him why. He’s ordered to remain silent about the mission and told all mission logs have been classified.

Next, we need a way to make the McCoy split-personality problem compelling. One of the problems with the split-personality problem in Star Trek III was that there wasn’t really urgency on McCoy’s end. And having him wandering around muttering like Spock once in a while isn’t enough. Instead, McCoy needs to really go crazy. So as Kirk leaves the briefing, worrying about his soon-to-be-dead gay son, he learns that McCoy grabbed a phaser and shot his way off the Enterprise. Once in space dock, he steals a small starship and leaves the planet. This starship belongs to a mobster type (named “MacGuffin”), who immediately sends two ships after him.

Kirk asks for permission to find McCoy, but Starfleet refuses. So Kirk and the other officers steal the Enterprise without telling the crew what they are doing. They chase after McCoy, who needs to stop somewhere on route to let his ship’s engines recharge. This gives Kirk the challenge of tracking him down, before the other bad guys find him, while Starfleet sends the Excelsior after Kirk.

When they come to the first planet where they think McCoy will be, they find a ship which matches the description of the one McCoy took. They board it and encounter the first team of mobsters. This is when Kirk learns of the danger McCoy is in from the mobsters. He also learns that McCoy landed here, that he had burned out his engines to get here so fast, and that he stole a new ship and left.

Meanwhile, McCoy is starting to get his head together. But he won’t turn around because he’s driven to find Spock. This is an instinctual hold-over of the mind meld. But he doesn’t know he’s being followed, so he slows the ship to prevent burning out the engines. This will allow the mobsters to catch up to him. And since he doesn’t know who they are, this puts him in a lot of danger.

Kirk, meanwhile, is racing to find him and encounters the Excelsior and another Enterprise class ship (the Commentarama). He needs to decide if he’s willing to fire on them or not and what he will tell his crew if he does. Kirk comes clean with his crew and tells them he will surrender, but the crew decide they want to save McCoy. So they pull a trick and escape. While this is going on, we get interspersed scenes of McCoy being found by the mobsters. McCoy convinces them there’s a huge secret on the Genesis planet and they decide to check it out before they kill him.

McCoy and the mobsters arrive at the Genesis planet first and find a three ship blockade blocking the planet, with orders to kill anyone who comes near the planet. They are preparing a second Genesis device which they think will explode the planet. Kirk arrives just in time to save McCoy and the mobsters as their ship is blown to pieces. Kirk then confronts McCoy and McCoy tells him he’s drawn to where Spock is. Kirk says, “He’s dead Bones.” And McCoy says, “Don’t you get it Jim? I’m drawn to where is he is because he’s alive.”

Kirk then talks his way to the planet, where they realize that Spock is indeed alive because the material used in the Genesis Planet rejuvenates life and heals animal tissue. He’s just in a coma because McCoy has his consciousness. That is the secret Starfleet is trying to protect because Starfleet doesn’t want anyone knowing that flubber can keep anyone from dying because if no one died anymore, the universe would become a horrible place.

When McCoy finds Spock, Spock is magically restored and McCoy is healed. Then Kirk is taken into custody. The last line in the movie would be something like, “sometimes the needs of the one. . . or the two, outweigh the needs of the many.”

Then Star Trek IV can start with Kirk and the other officers aboard a prison shuttle on their way to Earth, rather than the Klingon cruiser.

Scott's Response: Not bad. Some of what I have to say is simply window-dressing, though. Who exactly are these mobsters and why is their ship parked in a Starfleet facility? Perhaps McCoy could instead beam down to Earth and get involved with some shady characters (smugglers or something), stealing their ship and promising to pay upon his return. And I assume Lt. Saavik is still on the Enterprise? Without her to "help" with Pon Farr, the Spock they find on the planet might be a wreck, whether he's conscious or not. Assuming he isn't affected while he's unconscious, he'd definitely have some wild oats to sow once he's back!

While I understand the reason, I'd hate to just drop Carol and David in the first five minutes, never to revisit them or their crime. That's a talk Kirk needs to have with them at some point. I'm glad you still worked in the theft of the Enterprise (arguably the best scene in the film). It wasn't clear from the description but I assume Kirk still blows it up in this version? I only ask because, while you and I are working in a vacuum, this film did set up a lot of stuff for later films (Kirk's attitude towards the Klingons, getting a new ship in the next film, etc.).

Lastly, David Marcus wasn't gay though the actor playing him might've been. But your comment reminded me of a line in Heathers: "I love my dead gay son!" Then again, since he's arrested at the beginning, does he still die in this story?

Andrew’s Reply: Scott, let's see what the readers think about those questions. . . and what else they would add?