Film Friday: Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015)

Let me be honest: this movie was made to make money and it sucks *ss... to put it kindly. I seriously wanted to climb over the bored-looking children halfway through this film and demand my money back. My napping wife said I couldn't. Then, as we hit the highly obnoxious and politicized ending, my attitude changed and I went from wanting my money back to wanting revenge. F*ck you, Adam Sandler... die in a fire. Let's get this over with.

Plot

Please, let me outline the ultra creative and interesting "plot." //rolls eyes

Count Dracula's (Sandler) obnoxious daughter marries the surfer asswipe from the first film. They have a baby named Moneygrab. Moneygrab is human (think gay), not a monster (think rotten religious types who can't stand gays). Obnoxious daughter decides that she wants to raise gay boy in California because clearly living with monsters in Kentuckyvannia is somehow wrong even though Moneygrab seems quite happy in Kentuckyvannia. So she goes to California to see if she likes it and we are treated to her rocking a trick bike at midnight in a skate park with a bunch of unsupervised awesome f*cking three-year old children, dude. Awesome. Oh, and she drinks a lot of slurpees all at once! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha f*ck you, Sandler.

Meanwhile, her father tries to turn gay boy into a monster by having each of the monsters take him into the woods and incompetently show him how scary they can be because... well, because. They end up burning down a summer camp for vampires run by a homosexual bureaucrat vampire. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha f*ck you, Sandler.

Obnoxious daughter sees this on youtube and races home to take gay boy back from the Count. They argue and then have a party where she invites Mel Brooks (Dracula's father) so the film can have a final conflict. Mel's servant HATES gays. Servant decides to kill gay boy, but suddenly gay boy turns into an invincible super monster and violently stops all the religious zealot monsters. Everything works out and the mass of contradictions turning this film into bullsh*t get overlooked! Hurray! Roll "credits."

Why Adam Sandler Needs To Be Sodomized With A Weed Whacker

This film was so bad it was insulting. I'm not kidding. As I watched this film, it became obvious to me that Sandler didn't care, either as a writer or an actor. He didn't care about the story, the characters, the dialog or anything else. Let me list this film's sins:

● First, the jokes were clearly written without the slightest interest in making them funny. They were basically lines you would expect presented in a joke format without any real reason for them to be jokes. Most brought a sense that a joke was being told but no real ability to understand what was supposed to make this "joke" funny. To give you a sense of this, consider the scene when obnoxious daughter says to the dirty Arab who runs the Kwiki Mart (yes, he was drawn to look dirty), "This place is open all night, right?" And then they show the Arab standing in front of a sign that says, "Open All Night." He then responds... wait for it... "Yes." Careful, don't laugh too hard.

● Secondly, the dialog is sh*t. Every single line is exactly what you would predict would be said at that moment. There was nothing clever or interesting. The word choice was about as dumbed-down as you could get. The sentence structure of every line was brutally simple. Most of what was said was said for the moment and did not match the plot or the character saying it... they all spoke in the same voice. I suspect they actually let Sandler (Dracula) ad lib his lines. That's the quality of what he said.

● Third, the characters are assh*les. Obnoxious daughter is obnoxious. She's the kind of character who is strongly opinionated and ignores everyone else around her because she's a self-righteous turd, but we're supposed to see her as the wise heroine. F-that. The surfer dude is a reflex character who exists solely so Dracula and obnoxious girl aren't doing soliloquies throughout the film. He's spineless, pointless, and such a retarded surfer that you feel dumber just for listening to him talk. The monsters exist to be the butt of Dracula's personal attacks. The bad monsters exist only at the end to show us how insanely hateful people who don't like gays are. The humans are all California valley/tech stereotypes that might be clever if you live in California and deal with these people regularly, but come across as simply annoying to the rest of us.

Then there's Dracula who gets about 90% of the lines. The problem with Dracula is that he's so intensely stupid and pathetic. He comes across as a 1990's television dad who needs to be skooled by his smarter daughter. He knows nothing and is constantly cowering and apologizing because he's incompetent and his beliefs are wrong and out of date; by the time of the 50th "how do I use technology" joke, you're ready to drive a stake into Sandler's liver. Oddly, Dracula actually embodies the movie's overbearing message of TOLERANCE FOR GAYS and hipsters, yet, the film wrongly treats him as out of touch and lets everyone else lecture him on how wrong he is to lack tolerance... which makes him the film's straw man character.

● Fourth, there isn't an original moment in the plot or the animation.

● Fifth, the story is a contradictory mess. So the theme is tolerance as told to us by moralizing obnoxious daughter. Yet, she doesn't care about the feelings of gay boy, her husband, or her father. In fact, she has no tolerance for their views. She even gets pissed at the humans in California because they tried to make her comfortable by showing her that many human-monster "mixed couples" already exist. This upsets her for no apparent reason that makes sense. Of course, the behavior she displays is the exact behavior she complains about in her father, who by the way had much more tolerance for both monsters and humans than she does even as the film assures us that he's closed-minded about humans. For the record, the reason she wants to move is to raise her son with his own kind (gay boys) rather than monsters. Yet, we're told the father is the bigot for wanting to raise him in a place where humans and monsters live in apparent harmony just because he hopes gay boy becomes a monster. So who's the bigot? The film tells us repeatedly that it's not her.

Then we're told that you need to be gay to be good... monsters suck, unless they are reformed to be gay-like. Indeed, the crime Dracula commits is wanting gay boy to become a monster. That is evil -- though it's not evil to want him to be gay instead of a monster. But then gay boy turns into a monster to save the day an everyone celebrates him becoming a monster. Huh? So the happy ending is exactly what the character we've been told is evil wanted. How does that make sense? How can it be evil to want him to be a monster, but the happy ending is that he turns into a monster? What's more, the evil grandfather (Mel Brooks) suddenly decides he loves people because his grandson saves the day (something Dracula or Brooks could have done without him), but only after becoming a monster. In other words, Brooks hates that he's a human, but the kid turns into a monster so now Brooks loves humans. Nonsense.

What this film is, is a 1990's hypocritical feminist film with cliche characters, nothing interesting or original, dialog generated by a retard, and an in-your-face political message that will piss you off near the ending as it gets beaten into you how evil you are for being a bigot because you won't tolerate somethingsomething hey gays! It's poorly written, poorly voiced, and utterly lacking in creativity. It was made to make money and it feels like it was slapped together over a weekend by a very cynical group who don't mind sh*tting on their audience.

Thank you, Adam Sandler... assh*le.

Don't see this film.