The Lowest Common Demoninator Speaks!

There's an article at Yahoo movies by “Senior Editor” Kevin Polowy, which just screams for comment. Here’s the article: Why I Fell in Love With Adam Sandler — And Why We Had to Break Up. It’s about why Kevin stopped being an Adam Sandler fan and it’s one of the most non-self-aware article I’ve ever seen. Kevin truly is the lowest common denominator only he doesn't seem to realize it, and he actually spends his time insultingly telling us how he's now too mature to be a pathetic Sandler fan. Wow.

Kevin begins by telling us that he was a junior in high school when he fell in love with Adam Sandler. Sandler had just done Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, and this was “proof that Sandler wasn’t merely a comedy genius; he was, in the most obnoxiously grandiose words of Billy Madison himself, ‘The Smartest Person Alive.’” Kevin was hooked.

See, it wasn’t just the “oddball, aggro comedic sensibility”[sic] that earned Kevin’s love, it was that Sandler was “an antihero perfectly suited to an adolescent boy.” He “stood up to the douchiest of douchebags.” He always got the girl. AND he stubbornly refused to grow up. He stood for the idea of proving that “one could get older without necessarily ever maturing.”

Now let me stop right there and point out a few things to Kevin. First, only the “douchiest of douchebags” would use that phrase in an article written on a public site like Yahoo. Secondly, getting older without maturing is precisely how one becomes the douchiest of douchebags. It is the easiest road to take and every single obnoxious, self-centered abusive dipsh*t grew old without maturing. It is the act of maturing which keeps you from becoming a douchebag. And I find it extremely telling that Kevin doesn’t realize this. It tells us he lacks maturity and judgment... something Kevin is about to prove undeniably.

As an aside, Kevin also mentions that Sandler films are packed with “memorable one-liners,” like “Stop looking at me, swan.” Actually, no one talks about memorable quotes from Sandler films. It seems that Kevin has confused “quotes that have meaning to me” with “memorable quotes.” That’s not surprising since Kevin doesn’t seem to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around him, that his tastes are not respected and revered by the world, and that his immature ass is not the hero in this world.

Anyways, Kevin went on to college and started to “grow,” though he is careful to point out that he hadn’t grown up yet. Hence, he still liked The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer and he pulled a good one on his girlfriend. When she said she wanted to see The Wedding Planner to “take their relationship to the next level,” he showed her The Wedding Singer instead. That's sweet, dude!!

Ok, seriously, first, anyone who thinks that seeing a movie will take their relationship to the next level is a dipshit of the lowest caliber. I cannot imagine a more stupid, meaningless idea. That is the kind of retardery characters spew in films to let the audience know they are shallow, moronic douchebags. Kevin doesn't get that. Secondly, this tool actually tries to score some “I'm cool” points by further telling us how he tricked his girlfriend in this moment where he was supposedly making a commitment to her. What a turd! Seriously, does Kevin live in a sitcom?

Oh, and it gets worse.

Kevin now tells us that he stayed with his lover “into my young professional days.” I can’t imagine what kind of profession would accept Kevin, but I’m assuming he is mistakenly using “professional” whereas others would merely say “employed.” Anyways, that's when they had their first spat: Little Nicky felt like “90 minutes of hell” to Kevin. At that point, Kevin felt his fandom “dwindle and teeter toward ambivalence.” So Kevin is so shallow that a single bad film kills his fandom. Wow, how fickle.

Oh but wait, Sandler did do a dramatic role in Punch-Drunk Love, which kept the now mature Kevin on the team through “the rocky mid-00’s” as Sandler “churned out increasingly formulaic comedies like Anger Management and Click.” Of course, Kevin doesn’t realize that the films he praised before this were entirely formulaic as well. But like all morons, the thing that opened his eyes becomes a revelation and he wants to believe it stands unique in the world... despite all the evidence to the contrary that this was just the first time he noticed what everyone else already knew.

Suddenly, Kevin became a grown-up... he discovered Judd Apatow.

//laughs self silly

According to Kevin, Mr. Apatow’s gems like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers were a “comedy renaissance.” These “were the adventures of stunted guys, but there was a cleverness behind their adolescent jokes – the people making these films were obviously adults.”

Wow, poor Kevin is a retard. Apatow is Sandler without the cleverness or the knowledge of the adult world. What made Sandler work, when he worked, was that he injected these child-like characters into the adult world and he played off the juxtaposition. What makes Apatow so forgettable (and being forgotten at record speed) is that his world is one of slackers who live in their parents’ basements. He has no grounding in the world of adults, no understanding of reality. He just has losers sampling each other’s bodily fluids for two hours as they improv low-hanging fruit at each other. The closest Apatow comes to “adult” is the bookstore where he buys his “literature.” That Kevin thinks Apatow is somehow for adult tastes tells us way more than we need to know about Kevin.

And it gets worse.

See, Kevin now gets self-righteous. One of the Sandler films that bothered Ken was I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry: “It wasn’t just horribly unfunny, it was icky and outdated – full of gay-panic undertones and over-the-top stereotypes.” Icky? Who says that? Teenage girls? Also, your whole article has been about why you think comedy about over-the-top stereotypes and dirty sex jokes are what make you the bastion of maturity you are, dipshit! So what's the problem? Oh, I see... Kevin then says this, “But it was 2011’s Jack and Jill, in which Sandler plays male and female twins, that finally made me realize we were through. . . I was too embarrassed to be in the same room with him.”

So let’s compare these two thoughts. First, Kevin blasts Sandler for doing a film with “gay-panic” undertones because Sandler clearly is not as enlightened on the gay issue as Kevin. Yet, the movie that ended their relationship was one where Kevin became embarrassed because Sandler played both male and female roles. In other words, Kevin felt uncomfortable seeing a movie in which the heterosexuality of his hero was questioned and he couldn’t take that, i.e. Kevin suffered from gay-panic. Hypocrite.

And he’s not done yet.

Kevin now smugly moralizes about how he’s so over Sandler and how he sometimes notes that Sandler made foolish choices in choosing “all these shameless cash-grabs aimed at the broadest, lowest common denominator.” Uh... that's you Kevin! You were the target audience and you bought it, buddy. Ergo, you are the lowest common denominator you disdain. Wow, this guy is not self-aware. Kevin then self-righteously asks, “Does he look at actors like Seth Rogen and Jason Segel, whose man-child characters are allowed to actually become men, and secretly envy them?” Uh, when did that ever happen? Rogen and Segel are the poster-boys for exactly what Kevin is whining about... dochebags who never grow up and think their childish BS is held in high regard. I don't know a single actual man who thinks Rogen or Segel are anything like actual men. Are you really looking at them for guidance on how to be a man, Kevin? Good God.

Finally, in the most wretched moment, Kevin finishes with this little turd: “I find myself thinking about who’s to blame for our failed affair; I don’t think it’s me.” Of course, you don’t because the idea of accepting responsibility for your own actions and tastes if beyond your limited skill set. “It’s strange to think I’m the mature one in this scenario.” It's strange because it's wrong: you aren’t the mature one. “I still laugh at lowbrow gags in spawn-of-Sandler films. But the truth is, I’ve moved on and grown up. Sandler, meanwhile, is still stuck in grade school.” Uh, no. The truth is that you moved on to a different crush who is even less mature than Sandler. You just aren’t self-aware enough to realize it. Sandler, on the other hand, was playing a role... a role that is unlike the man in real life... a roll that had you giggling in your little boy pants and dreaming of crushes on film characters. Wow, you're pathetic Kevin. Get bent, man-child.

Anyways, tune in Friday to see how well Apatow really grasps the adult world.