Star Wars VII by JJ Abrams

“I think that the thing is so big and so massive to so many people that the key to moving forward is honoring but not revering what went before.”

– JJ Abrams about Star Wars

That’s great thinking JJ and I’m sure you’ll honor Star Wars just like you honored Star Trek by pretending none of it happened. Anyway, as most of you know, we at CommentaramaFilms are “connected” and I’ve secretly obtained a copy of JJ Abram’s notes for how he plans to handle the new Star Wars script. I think you’ll all be impressed. I was.

Act I: Start with Rebel ship chasing Star Destroying ship. Think of cool intro shot. Maybe copy shot from Original Star Wars (Note: put in agreements crew must call this ‘an homage’). Add lensflare. Rebel ship fires “time distortion weapon.” Explain that timeline changed and everything is now different.

Introduce Darth Vader (cast 18 year old actor), a young podracer hotshot. He goes by “Vade.” He is getting ready for a race when he runs into middle age (maybe 24 year-old) Ben Kenobi (call him “Ken”) who is a Jedi Master. They do kungfu with lightsabers that actually shoot lasers... lots of lensflare. Ken knocks Vade down and says, “Hey, I’d like to train you. You have a lot of potential.” Vade says, “No way.” Ken tells him, “You’re a reckless young man who drives too fast and will drive off a cliff one day. Come with me to see Moses Eisley. We can give you a future. Be all you can be. Join the empire.” Vade says, “I’ll go to humor you, but I won’t actually sign up.” Ken says, “Cool.” They leave.

Training montage.

Vade and Ken go to the Death Star for Vade’s first assignment. As they approach the Death Star, it explodes!!!! (MEGA LENSFLARE). Vade is instantly put in charge of the Empire because everyone sees in this reckless young a-hole a true leader.

Vade gets drunk and fights some aliens in a bar.

Meanwhile, Ken finds Luke (cast 18 year old actor) who is Vade’s son, but is the same age as Vade – (Note: tell the writers to STFU, there’s no conflict because there was a time distortion... goddamn nerds). Luke’s a reckless farmer who just happens to be a hotshot podracer. Ken tells him he needs to stop Vade and stop the Death Star from being destroyed so he can save his home planet of Earth. Only, this is Ken from the future in an alternate reality – psych! (Note to writers: don’t explain, leave this a mystery.)

Luke flies to Dagobah to meet “Yoda.” Yoda is this hot chick (cast 18 year old actress) who trains Jedi. She’s never seen anyone like Luke and they get naked. Ken finds them and he gets all pissed and they chase each other around Yoda’s bedroom. “You’re not taking this job seriously” and crap like that. Ken tells Luke he can’t command the mission. Luke says he will no matter what Ken says.

Big lensflare fade.

Vade tracks the killer (cast 18 year old actor) who blew up the Death Star to Earth. So Vade intends to skydive onto the Earth and land on top of the killer so he can stop the destruction of Earth. He knows the killer is going to blow up Earth because the killer knows that one day Vade in the old timeline would have ______ Earth and ______. (Note to writer: fill in.) Vade gets there, but it’s too late. So Vade’s second in command is C3-PO (the PO stands for “pissed off” and everyone should call him “PO”) (cast 18 year old actor with lots of tats). He’s a combat droid who looks human and decides to strand Vade on Earth because he’s reckless. But Vade outsmarts him and sneaks onboard as PO and this like hairy dude who farts all the time (R2-D2) (cast 18 year old actor) who is PO’s assistant helps Vade get to the bridge. Then Vade tells PO “count to infinity droid and beyond” and that freezes PO’s processor.

Luke and Yoda suddenly show up with these two chicks – Hana Solo. She’s fat and funny as crap (cast 18 year old actress). She should be a brainiac too, but like bumbling if you know what I mean. Oh, and she’s lesbian (Note: More demographics can we get some blacks in this thing???? Maybe make Vade black? ... it works, alternate timeline). Also Lee Princess (cast 18 year old actress)is with them. She’s this hot black chick who strips to her underwear in every scene and has a thing for Luke and Vade.

Luke and Vade fight with their lightsabers. They’re basically moving around this big room full of boxes shooting their lightsabers at each other. Lots of lensflare. Meanwhile Luke’s ship is blowing up all around him and the others are dodging and screaming and saying, “Give us a command sir!” Do a flashback of how Ken told Luke to “fight the force” when he got in trouble. Luke looks at Vade and says something snappy like, “It’s over, Vade,” and shoots Vade with his lightsaber pistol sword.

Everyone thinks Vade is dead, but he isn’t. His dying words are “Luke, I’m your father.” And Luke gets all choked up. As he tells this to the others, Vade escapes. They see his body is gone and the fat chick (make her Scottish) says something really funny. Then Luke and Yoda go at it. (Note: Yoda needs to get naked to punch up the movie.)

Lensflares. Big ceremony. Luke is appointed emperor for beating Vade, but Vade’s not dead. This is when the two Ken’s meet. They’re like, “Hey, you’re me.” And the other is like, “Yeah, wasn’t that awesome what just happened with Luke and Vade? You’re an awesome f**king person and any stories you’re in in the future are going to seriously f**ing rock!” And the first one is like, “Yeah, if we were like in a movie, I would plan to see them all and then buy them on BluRay. (Audience will dig self-aware humor). I would also visit the website to buy the merchandise.” (Note to writers: Don’t give the website name in the dialog, cause that’s not cool, but stick the name everywhere like on some boxes or something where people can read it throughout the movie.)

Act II: Introduce trailer for The Empire In Darkness, story about cloud city full of ice creatures, space worm, asteroid chase scene, Vade betrayed by Hana Solo as he confesses love to Lee Princess who digs this Asian guy Bo Bo Fat. (NOTE: Get crew to sign agreements to claim this has no so similarities to Empire Strikes Back).

Start filming. Details to be worked out as we go.


Yep, don't feel suicidal at all... feel homicidal though. Thoughts?