Guest Review: Battleship (2012)

by ScottDS

When the first trailer for Peter Berg’s Battleship hit the Internet, that sound you heard was a collective groan: “Really? A movie based on a board game*?!” It financially underperformed in the U.S. and most likely put an end to Taylor Kitsch’s sci-fi movie career (he of John Carter infamy). However, I’m pleased – no, surprised! – to say that the movie isn’t terrible. Dumb, loud, clichéd, stupid… yes. But not terrible, and infinitely better than the last two Transformers movies.

** spoiler alert **

NASA discovers an Earth-like planet in another star system and transmits a powerful signal from their array in Hawaii. Meanwhile, Commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård, dreamy as usual) has a problem, and his name is Alex Hopper (Kitsch), Stone’s younger slacker brother, who gets into trouble while trying to impress Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker), who just happens to be the daughter of Pacific Fleet commander Admiral Terrance Shane (Liam Neeson). Stone forces Alex to join the Navy and we cut to the present where Alex is a trouble-making lieutenant aboard the USS John Paul Jones (JPJ), an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer. Stone is the commanding officer of her sister ship, the USS Sampson. Their ships are engaged in RIMPAC – Rim of the Pacific Exercise – in Hawaii.

Five alien ships arrive in response to NASA’s signal. Four land in the ocean off Hawaii and erect a force field, trapping the Sampson, JPJ, and the JMSDF Kongō-class destroyer Myōkō. A fifth ship crashes in Hong Kong. The Sampson and the Myōkō are destroyed and the JPJ is damaged, forcing Alex to assume command since he’s now the senior officer. They’re unable to communicate with anyone outside the force field and the radar is on the fritz, but Myōkō’s captain, Nagata (Tadanobu Asano), who had been rescued after the initial melee, comes up with an idea involving tsunami warning buoys (to detect water displacement). The JPJ sinks two alien ships but is ultimately destroyed herself. Upon returning to the mainland, Hopper and Co. assume command of the battleship-turned-museum ship USS Missouri. They destroy the communications array on the island – which the aliens had been using to contact their comrades – and with the force field down, jet fighters swoop in to destroy the last remaining alien vessel. Alex is promoted to Lieutenant Commander and asks Admiral Shane for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Shane rejects him but the two head off to lunch, presumably to discuss the situation.

This is a dumb movie... but there are different kinds of dumb. Whereas 2012 and the Transformers sequels are offensively dumb, this movie is likably dumb. It doesn’t set its sights too high, its intentions are (kinda) good, and while there are a handful of cheesy moments, there are no cringe-worthy ones. I won’t go so far as to say it’s self-aware, but I did laugh when one tough character tells a geeky character, “Let's see if we can buy the world another day!” and the geek replies, “Who talks like that?” Is Peter Berg winking at the audience? I doubt it, but it was an appreciated moment. One wishes the characters in Transformers knew how ridiculous they were sometimes. The rest of the script – if you can call it that – doesn’t do any favors. It cobbles together scraps from Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Transformers, Star Trek: First Contact, Battle: Los Angeles, Top Gun, and even Space Cowboys. Thankfully, we don’t get any annoying parents, or robot testicles, or robots pissing on people... oh God, has the bar been lowered that much? Are we now supposed to be an impressed when a summer blockbuster doesn’t have those things? [smile]

When I speak of the film’s intentions, I’m referring to Peter Berg who is obviously a fan of the U.S. Navy, so much so that many people have referred to this film as “Navy porn.” Contrast that with Michael Bay: he may have had good intentions with Armageddon (the space program) and Pearl Harbor (our veterans) but with the Transformers films, any good intentions he might have had (selling cars?) are undone by excess. To be fair, Battleship has plenty of that but it also has shots that last longer than 12 frames and action that isn’t blurred by shaky-cam. How novel! And it’s nice to see a third act involving actual human beings working on plans to defeat an enemy, as opposed to CGI robots duking it out, and we can’t even tell which one is which. Battleship might be clichéd and simplistic, but it’s not convoluted and it doesn’t overstay its welcome. Okay, maybe it does but only by 10 minutes or so.

Taylor Kitsch isn’t bad as Alex Hopper – not bad for this movie, anyway – and his character arc can be seen a mile away, but he’s a little more comfortable here than he was in John Carter. Skarsgård (of True Blood fame) is good, but he doesn’t last long. Neeson brings his usual gravity to the role but it’s a thankless one that could’ve been played by any actor over 50. Speaking of actors, this film includes a few whose stock in trade ain’t acting. Samantha is played by model turned actress Brooklyn Decker. She’s... okay. Could a classically-trained actress have done better with the role? Maybe, but Decker is inoffensive and when she first walks in, all I could think was, “Boobs!” [smile] The JPJ’s weapons specialist is played by R&B singer Rihanna. All her dialogue is available here. I’m wondering why she chose this movie to make her big-screen debut. It’s a nothing role – one of those characters who makes sarcastic remarks and barks orders, but maybe it worked because if the character wasn’t played by a recognizable performer, no one would care. Tadanobu Asano is very good as Nagata (and even better as a marketing hook for the Asian market), who starts off as Alex’ RIMPAC rival but ends up an ally and Jesse Plemons plays a schlub Seaman who helps figure out the aliens’ weakness.

This brings up a problem. Remember Signs? The aliens in that film arrive on Earth, a planet consisting of 75% water, yet are allergic to water. The entire crux of Battleship’s “plot” involves a NASA mission to locate an Earth-like planet that is approximately the same distance to a star as Earth is to the Sun and is capable of supporting life. So what is the aliens’ weakness in this film? Direct sunlight! How did such a race manage to evolve on a planet like ours, let alone develop space travel? Sure, they wear visors but imagine if we all had to wear visors during the day, lest we become paralyzed. The aliens are also like Star Trek’s Borg, in that they only harm people that are considered a threat. To paraphrase one of the Trek DVD commentaries, “Well, gee, if only the aliens didn’t have that particular bit of programming, they could’ve conquered the galaxy by now!” They cause plenty of destruction, both on land and at sea, but people seem to be spared because it’s convenient to the plot, or because they’re played by recognizable actors!

I want to mention a couple of things this movie has, one cornier than the other. Samantha is a physical therapist and spends most of the movie with Lt. Col. Mick Canales, an Army veteran and double amputee. Canales is played by Gregory Gadson, a U.S. Army Colonel who just happens to be a “bilateral above-the-knee” amputee. No one will mistake him for Olivier or Brando, but again, this was something that could be appreciated. If this were a Michael Bay movie, Samantha would be a stuck-up model and she’d find a way to get aboard one of the ships, even though such a thing would be quite improbable. Now for cheese... the USS Missouri is a museum ship docked at Pearl Harbor. Assisting Hopper and Co. in reactivating her are several retired veterans... who just happen to be there... and who approach the camera in slow motion. Is the actual ship maintained 24/7 by veteran officers who served as far back as WWII? Maybe... I have no idea. I’d love to visit it one day, but man oh man, was this schmaltz with a capital “S-C-H”!

Like 99% of summer blockbusters, tech stuff is top-notch. The sound design is excellent and I envy those with a state-of-the-art sound system. ILM knocked it out of the park with the visual effects and the projectiles fired by the alien ships somewhat resemble the pegs used in the original Battleship board game. By the way, the aforementioned warning buoy scene is the one scene that gives the film its title, where the characters are able to detect the ships on a grid with a letter/number system. It’s quick and obvious but also pretty neat, though I doubt there are that many buoys and I doubt they’re arranged in the ocean on a perfect square grid! There are several different alien ship designs, including a spherical “buzz saw” weapon that wreaks havoc on land – again, excellent work by ILM and a variety of vendors. Considering the state of visual effects today, these people no doubt burned the midnight oil to get the work done on time.

I can’t help but recommend this movie – it’s not high art, or even low art… or even art. But it’s harmless and inoffensive. It’s PG-13 for generic “mayhem.” Two characters say the F-word but are cut off in comically awkward fashion. Why do I mention the rating? Because if you have young boys in your family, they’re gonna love it!

“They ain't gonna sink this battleship, no way!”

*Movies based on board games don’t have to be bad. Clue is a cult classic, and maybe it was just ahead of its time.