Film Friday: Twilight (2008)

Sometimes, being a blogger means taking a bullet for your audience. That’s what Twilight was. . . right between the eyes. Oh boy. I’m still feeling the aftereffects of this liberal turkey. I need hazard pay.

** spoiler alert. . . if possible**

The Plot

Bella (Kristen Stewart), whose last name I believe is Lugosi, is a teenage girl suffering from extreme constipation and anemia, which has turned her skin snow white and permanently frozen a condescending frown on her face. Her mother lives in Arizona while her father is the Sheriff of Forks, Washington, a small town awash in mutilated bodies which nobody cares about. Bella goes to live with her father because her mother wants to tour minor league baseball stadiums.

Upon arriving in Forks, we are quickly assured that Bella is a likable heroine. . . despite the constipated look. Indeed, before our dislike for the actress can poison us too much, we are shown that she has a politically correct rainbow of “friends,” which means we should like her. Indeed, the first to greet her upon arrival are a group of Native Americans (N/A), who are here to bless her PC goodness. Even better, one is in a wheelchair. This made me feel morally superior. Ah yes, I am better than the rest of you because I know dark skinned people. Hmmm mmm Obama.

Our wheelchair bound N/A immediately delivers unto the bleached princess a cool ride, as all main characters must have: an in tune with nature, approved by wolf gods, ancient pick up truck which he personally rebuilt from bio-degrading parts. It emits Care Bears!

Snow White As Death then goes to school where the black kid is the first to speak to her. At this point, I was giddy with moral superiority. My white heroine was greeted by the black kid! I must be living right. But I wanted more. Fortunately, the film delivered. Within seconds Honkette befriends the gay Asian student newspaper Emo. This was good, but I won’t kid you. . . gay Asians just don't satisfy. I needed more. Her rainbow remained incomplete. But then, just as my smuggy was starting to wane, she found another one! An Hispanic girl! Ahhhh. This was perfect diversity. And best of all, it wasn't ruined by any ugly kids. Nope, no fat kids, no freaks. These kids all looked like models. Now that is genuine diversity.

So what happened next. Hmm. Oh yes, she sees a group of Emo kids with the same constipation/anemia disease she has. It was like an army of Emo Snow Whites. In truth, I didn’t know what to make of these kids. They were all white and that just seemed wrong. Sure, they looked like a constipated leper colony, but disease is no excuse for discrimination. Fortunately, one of them clearly was gay. His name is Edward. And here’s an interesting side note. Robert Pattinson, who plays the flaming EMO Edward, apparently suffers from the same disease as Snow White plus a form of narcolepsy that prevents him from ever fully opening his eyes.

Still, I knew right away he was the perfect hero because chicks dig pasty-white gay guys who mope!

Then we cut away to our first romantic murder as a group of pasty white “somethings” rip a white male laborer to shreds. Fortunately, no one will miss a white laborer.

Then it’s back to Bella ordering a product placement veggie burger. This recharged my smuggy. Then there was some mindless dialog, followed by some creepy stalking of Bella by Edward. But their love cannot be we are told for some reason.

Then, Bella’s black friend gets in his car and comes blasting straight toward Bella at high speed, before he hits the brakes and turns the wheel to slide out of control. As he skids toward her at full speed, Edward defies physics and stops the car, saving Bella’s life. . . for whatever that’s worth -- no one really seemed very happy about it or all that concerned frankly. But the point is, Edward is special. Bum bum BUUUUM!

Then there was more dialog which I think was stolen from parodies of romance novels. Finally, they went whale watching! Oh goodie! That’s when Bella tells the Hispanic girl that “you are a strong independent woman” because that’s what you tell people who are neither. Then she moved a few feet away and learned from her N/A friends that the “somethings” live in peace with the N/As because of a treaty they made a couple hundred years before. Oh, and Edward is a "something." This intrigues Bella, who goes home and searches the internet to discover what kind of creature lives forever, drinks blood, can’t stand sunlight and looks constipated. After an extensive montage of her searching Facebook pages, she discovers that Edwards is a dipsh. . ., er, vampire. SURPRISE!!!

Of course, now I'm wondering why the vampires bother going to school? They only hang out with each other, so they aren't there to make friends or meet meat? Maybe they just like repeating the 12th grade 500 times? Oh well, who cares, so long as it gets two beautiful, constipated people together!

Meanwhile the vampires romantically kill another white lower-middle class worker. . . someone no one could possibly miss.

Bella then decides to confront Edward in the woods, where they can touch old growth forest as they trade romantic lines about the people Edward has killed. Edward tells her he is indeed a vampire. He can’t appear in the sunlight because his pasty white skin shines like a diamond when exposed to direct sunlight, hence he lives in the Pacific Northwest and skips school on sunny days. Oh, and he only eats animals. Aw. That's so cool that he's a vegetarian!

But he does cop to a few murders. Fortunately, Bella assures him that doesn’t matter. Indeed, Edward’s murders are irrelevant because Edward is good looking. . . in a pasty, constipated sort of way. . . and good people should be allowed to kill the inferior. Then Edward tells her that she’s his “own personal brand of heroin”. . . vampire white, baby. She is of course flattered as all her prior boyfriends called her a laxative.

Then some stuff happens. Edward refuses to make Bella into a vampire because that should be left for the sequel, she returns to Phoenix, where the other vampires track her. They trap her, but Edward saves the day and the credits roll. You’ve been punked!

What Was The Point Again?

This move sucked something and it wasn’t neck. It was a jumble of political correctness strung together into a pretext of a story. This is liberalism at its ugliest and there was nothing redeeming.

Let me pose a few questions. Why no ugly kids? If they're so worried about diversity, where are the kids who aren't perfect? And what in the world kind of message is it that (1) the brutal murders of white, male laborers is something to be ignored? and (2) it's ok if your boyfriend is a killer so long as he's hot? This is the murderous fascist core of liberalism being exposed right here -- the elite have the right to kill the inferior.

And how is this romantic anyway? I get that chicks dig rebels. But this was so not that. Edward is no rebel, he’s a pouter. He's got nothing to rebel against. What’s more, the rebel is supposed to be a quasi-outlaw, standing slightly on the edge of legality but ready to settle down inside the law if he only meets the right woman -- that's the fantasy. Edward is a cold blooded killer. He even implies that he was drawn to Bella to kill her -- though the dialog is such a mess you can’t tell for certain what pasty boy is really talking about. This is like chicks digging Charlie Manson.

But even beyond the hateful messages and exclusion buried within this film, the problem with this film is that it promotes stupidity. Nothing in it makes sense, not the characters, not the plot, not the dialog. The “acting” is so bad it shouldn’t be called acting. The characters are unappealing and about as deep as two sheets of paper. This film is so politically correct, it makes Dances With Smurfs seem like a John Birch Society promotional video.

To put it simply, there are just not enough words in Heaven or on Earth dear Horatio to point out how vapid and immoral this sucker was.